Sc(h)attered nuerons~

I need adventure. I always need adventure.
Get out. Do loadsa crazy shit. Pump up loadsa adrenaline. Do adventure. Im addicted to it.
I need to keep things spiced up. I need to take cases. I need to be insane.
I thrive on the out of the ordinary.
I survive on bakchodi.
Its probably a very bad psycological disorder.
And its causing my social life to deteriorate like uranium with a half life of 2 seconds.
I dont give a fuck about the whole social image thing, though.
I dont speak to three quarters of the class anyway… and the good thing is they dont care either.
I have a way of life that is not supported. Like im a mac program and we live in the windows world. (bad analogy?)
I do my own thing.
I have been labled as a misfit. well fuck the world then. I’ll do whatever i have to….whatever makes me happy. whatever keeps me excited. Whatever keeps me insane.
Coz i think sanity and being a fuckin nice guy’s a waste of life. routines will just kill me. And the ordinary will frustrate me into killing myself.

Some vacation..

One. i passed
Two. i had no idea it was gonna be this awesome…64%
wooohoo!!!!
Vacations going great. Bought an accoustic guitar. Its black and SO beautiful!

I still dont feel like im 19 though…

however, its like im on a cross country trip…manipal…hyderabad…delhi…calcutta…ahemedabad
wow!
The heats pissing me off, but im still chillin…
I’ve had the guitar for a week and i can already play some bar chords!
its been 11 days and i’ve downed some 2 litres of whiskey already! not that im proud of it…but it feels so bloody awesome!
2nd year’s sort of scaring me. Lets see what happens. I just dont wanna get bored. Which reminds me of what i will be writing for my next post…ciAo…

One down.

First years over. Looking back at all the crazy things we’ve done in the past one year makes me wonder if the second year is gonna be as eventful. Maybe it wont. Coz i’ve done all there was to do
So heres a list of achievements anyway…
-we broke open the first floor balcony gates to RT hostel for entering post curfew
-we destroyed the fuses so that kids would fail with us during exams
-we ran away from the university to goa, in a plan made in 30 minutes
-we broke out of the hostel climbed down a pipe and ran away to kerela for trekking.
we smuggled alcohol into the hostel got caught and i took full punishment
-we screwed with our seniors
-we came and the college won utsav
-we started a band
-i got hospitalized and operated for a broken arm
-Formed friends for life
-Peed at the wardens office….twice
-ate food at the food court for a month for free…
-flunked exam after exam
-Managed to pass a few as well
-Did well in college. Very well.
we’re awesome. I’m awesome. Couldnt have been in a better place
Rawk on! to the the B-company: Hash, Prabuddh, Santi, Shanky, Rudra, Chersey, Gowta

One down.

First years over. Looking back at all the crazy things we’ve done in the past one year makes me wonder if the second year is gonna be as eventful. Maybe it wont. Coz i’ve done all there was to do
So heres a list of achievements anyway…
-we broke open the first floor balcony gates to RT hostel for entering post curfew
-we destroyed the fuses so that kids would fail with us during exams
-we ran away from the university to goa, in a plan made in 30 minutes
-we broke out of the hostel climbed down a pipe and ran away to kerela for trekking.
we smuggled alcohol into the hostel got caught and i took full punishment
-we screwed with our seniors
-we came and the college won utsav
-we started a band
-i got hospitalized and operated for a broken arm
-Formed friends for life
-Peed at the wardens office….twice
-ate food at the food court for a month for free…
-flunked exam after exam
-Managed to pass a few as well
-Did well in college. Very well.
we’re awesome. I’m awesome. Couldnt have been in a better place
Rawk on! to the the B-company: Hash, Prabuddh, Santi, Shanky, Rudra, Chersey, Gowta

Aw crap…its sickundur all over again again

Aw shit, i should have realized a long time ago. this whole wenar business is all related to the 3 year old sickundur affair.
Man…had i been smart enough to figure it out i wudnt be in this situation.
the sickundur affair….it was mad. I get chills everytime i think about i. I couldnt sleep properly for days and the winters werent helping the chain of thoughts. Besides the whole things was just misery for a lot of people.
School can be very harmful when your thinking on those lines.
Well, theres still time and i think i gotta pull back from this shit even though it probably isnt what i think it is. i dunno if u kno what im talking about but here let me say this. I cant think of it in a straighter way. The wenar shit is taking a lil more brainspace than to be alloted so lets leave it as it is and focus on the next objective. Aw crap….i need to work on my realization ability. i realize but i realize too late…
crap crap crap…

Skip this tide

Im going down. cracking up. Losing self control. Drowning in a pool of BP. The skies, the stars gaze upon my existence as though im some insignificant being wasting the planets oxygen. they haunt me. the celestial bodies as well as the earthly. they haunt me. Forcing me to give up living and lose my red and die.

If thats what the forces want i dont mind sliting my wrists. what i want to kno is what happens to the people i love. Not just my family but the rest of them. friends and sharker alike.

Im not suicidal.. I just seem to know the will of god.
He wants to test my vigilance i guess.

starlight blazes my face, touches my hands hoping, i guess, to burn them with its energy.. if thats whats wanted, i might as well pull out my heart and die…

Rythms of Age

Looking at kids these days (younger than myself, I mean) I wonder if their life had the same basic structure as ours did. People talk about generation gaps and changing times but the basic framework of how a boy grows up to become a man is usually the same, really. So I’m just wondering if everyone saw life the way I did (though I am sure that I’m very mistaken)

You were born, naked, wet and hungry, when crying is the physical equivalent of breathing. And then, things just get worse.

Babies are hyper. And babies don’t like other babies. And they want the world to go as per their wishes. And then people say children are cute and innocent. Which is very weird because we as legal adults fail to realize this fact at our age and go on thinking about how innocent kids really are.

At the age of 4 you probably hated the guts of every adult in the world. Especially the ones that hung out with your parents. Your favorite pastime was playing in the mud, chasing insects and doing almost everything that you’d advise kids not to do. But I didn’t think much of other kids when I was 4.

I started observing people when I was 12 I guess. That’s the time when you look around yourself.

You’ve just entered middle school, with loads to study, and meeting loads of new people, new teachers, new subjects, the building, the classroom, and of course the sudden change in your opinion about the members of the opposite sex.. From senior most in primary school to junior most in middle school. A rather heart breaking transition but one which promises (you assume) a whole new set of possibilities.

I guess things were simple those days. It was all about good grades, bad grades, teachers who were sane and those insane (because of you and your bunch, I guess). It was all about playing soccer without passing the ball to anyone and hating the kid who managed to score. Let’s face it. Everyone wasn’t God on the field. Same in class too. The math whizz was probably a loser with a serious lack in life! Who needed a perfect score in math?

But those are the years when you develop an insight into judging people. You develop instincts which probably guide you through thick and thin telling you what to do and what not to do. Who’s the good guy and who’s not? You make a set of assumptions and rules for yourself to follow. You develop a routine timed in your head, to be followed as long as you possibly could. For you the important things were getting a good score and making mom dad happy.

So, unfortunately when things are looking great, ‘it’ hits the fan and you enter teenage and your mind starts shrinking at the possibilities. Adolescence becomes a battle, a life or death mission in unchartered waters .

The word ‘teenage’ in my opinion should be bad from usage. Yea..Adolescence too.. In my opinion it’s very much analogous to a spiteful racist remark, the word being used by the modern middle aged parents to give an explanation that’s too rational to describe a new set of things that could go wrong. Very wrong…

Funny thing is, they usually do. You take a shower too often, you are too concerned about the way you look, you want to look awesome and you think anyone who doesn’t look awesome is worthy of nothing but awesome amounts of underestimation in every aspect of a 14 year olds life… except math maybe. Life changes drastically. Your looks change, you start looking around more, absorb things from people you admire and develop a certain amount of sound judgment. Teachers become enemies, women, the bane of your existence and friends more important than parents.

You have denomination systems then. The nerds, the jocks, the class freaks, the free men and the girls (Cute ones). Interestingly, no one has a problem with this system and I bet it’s still there in every class room of every 14 year old in the world.

School is where everything happens. At home you are a totally different person. You start hiding stuff from your parents and you both know that some things needn’t be talked about. You got bullied in school. The big kid wants cash or lunch or just wants to take your case. You somehow finish school come home in a bad mood. You’ve had a rough day and any rational human should understand that. Unfortunately parents at that age don’t seem to be the rational human beings you wanted them to be so you don’t tell them about the bully and shout. ‘Leave me alone’ was the most popular things to say as far as I can remember…

You develop a major enemy now. It’s called ego. Now that you are an “adolescent” you have an image. But along with it comes the pride without substance and you unfortunately blame your rubbish on everyone and everything but yourself. You hate the world when your pride’s broken and all you want to do is get back at all the people who made you feel miserable, even if it means shouting at mom and dad. The word “misunderstanding” rips your neurons out considering the number of times you use it, after having exactly the right effect on exactly the wrong people.

Now this is just a teaser. Enter high school and now you really know that some serious work needs to be done. Everyone including you has an identity crisis. A severe attention deficit disorder and people making the rashest decision doing the most radical things in order to gain popularity. Aah…that’s the word- “popularity”. The hateful ambition of almost every teenager on the planet. Academics mean nothing. Books are an insult to carry or read. Dating is compulsory and following rules and regulations is embarrassing. But I think the friends you make during this time are the ones that stay with you for a life time. At least in my case, the friends I made back in high school still stick by me like anything.

Anyway, nothing can beat the materialism that’s found in high school. Versace, Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren become ego issues rather than brand names. Creativity comes in form of tattoos and accessories and how one manipulates the school uniforms. Around you everything seems queer and your 17 year old sense of manhood takes over your 17 year old sense of intelligence. Heavy jeans, regular workouts, learning to play the guitar or wanting to do all that- everything works up your brains like fireworks. You want to enhance your reputation and feel good about yourself. You want to date the cutest girl in class. Your friends have crossed over and you are the last man alive. And of course, your head stops working when it comes to girls. You meet her and she smells like mist. You on the other hand smell like mud and sweat. You twitch, stammer and pass out too (if you are lucky enough not to throw up) or you just go insane if you found out she knew your name. And unfortunately there IS a certain unexplainable logic to that. You come down to more rudimentary forms of communication post embarrassment over women. It’s just grunts and glares. And if you mess up, “hell hath no fury such as a woman’s scorn”

At this age, if you are lucky enough to find one, you really start picking up things from your role model. It could be your dad, brother, senior- anyone. Mine was a teacher. Taught me plenty I know about life. He treated me like a man. We had a silent recognition for each other. Mutually respecting each other’s position like gentlemen. He believed in me and I came through. But I guess almost everyone had the role model. The kind of person who would always say something very wise. And I’m glad I was under his wing.

Ahem, anyway,

“Peer pressure” is a word often used by parents and counselors for kids who enter college or even in school. But mostly in college. “The evil that men do” eh? You do things you thought you’d never do when you were a kid. Right and wrong have different definitions. You live a life controlled by variables and clauses.

“Why not?”- Two words that separate men from boys, warriors from cowards, dudes from losers. Corruption takes over you just because the people who seem to take that road are attractive in some way. This is when its time you created an identity. But before you do that you look back at all the years you lived. At all the facts you learnt from experiences and people you knew. You feel blessed at the thought that you have had at good so far and your heart fills with wonder about what will come your way now.

At nineteen I wish I was younger. I wish sometimes I could go back in time and relive those wonderful days. But that way a lot of things I learnt over time and all the experience that has taught me stuff and made me more mature, would be lost. My first year in college is close to its end and I have already changed a lot. Change really is a permanent phenomenon. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. And what I gain here, I shall carry with me for life.

“Change is inevitable…except maybe from vending machines” ~ Anonymous

De-rex

I still refuse to believe it was a waste. But then im a slow learner.
its mystifying, you know. the whole concept. Its a defect rather.

I’ve made this things to do list though

-speak to more people
-Stop taking cases too often
-stop the anti social bullcrap
-Quit smoking
-Reduce alcohol
-work on the band
- Let go of the shark, the pride and the 7up for a while
-Be polite
-study more often
-write more often

Hopefully i can do em all….

I am watcher

One of the problems that people point out in me is the fact that i think too much. Its probably a slight defect in the personality but in considering rationality i end up taking the most unrational decisions ever. Yes its a basic flaw. But at the same time, thats a rather rare case. for rest of the people who unfortunately DONT think…heres a big “SCREW YOU”. Now im kinda jealous of these people. they usually dont realize that most of their unhappiness is attributed to there own shit and not anyone else’s. but in our case “the thinkers” we kno exactly where we ent wrong and we keep blaming ourselves for it no matter how well we kno that nothing can be done about it.
They say when u fall down a hole the only place u CAN go is up.
The problem with the mordern aged teenager is that rather than trying to make thing better they’d wallow in self pity and torment themselves looking around for sympathy as long as they think they can get it. It is at this juncture when im confused. I see such people in my friends. And i feel ashamed at times…how could i be friends with THEM! But thats being entirely stupid! So i give them what they want. sympathy, audience, afection. And now i wonder. What if i was doin what they’re doin. What if i was the wistfull jackass sitting in one corner of the room gazing in the dark? who would come and ask me whats wrong?
Ad thats whn u realize…shits already hit the fan.
you are no thinker. You are just a jackass. You like sympathising. You like sharing people’s sadness because you urself dont have a way to express ur own. U share peoples happiness because you have no clue how to express ur own! You become an emotional parasite. you start watching people around trying to relate them to the way you think you feel. You see some kids partying laughing and jumping and u feel euphoric…wow! life’s so awesome!
you see the class loser crying behind the library and you wonder why ur as alone as he is.

You are brainfucked. You have become a watcher. A complex observer who has no clue what he’s actually seing. Your rationality is defined not by facts but by the things u make in ur head. A bit unfortunaate really.
Now once you have realized what you are going through is one of the things you were against. Social drama, angst, hallucinations of euphoria. And you feel like a hypocrit. You wonder why the world couldnt see things the way u did and you feel all alone. Left in the dark waiting for a new miracle to hit ur life but it dsnt.

Sadness is like gravity too ladie and gentlemen. What you actually need to elarn is to get away from it.

I am happy one can say. But running away from the fact that me is a loser is becoming harder and harder everyday.

Muse-hic!….I

Another one of my playlist induced posts.Its really wierd the way music affects me. I mean, you could literally control me, change my state of mind with music. It makes me forget…it makes me remember…its my marijuana, my nicotine, my healer, my tormentor….(if it was a woman, i would have probably gone insane with pure love, no matter how cheesy this sounds)

“Frozen Angel”….Norther

I go insane. “Alone we die, my frozen angel”. courage fails and i succumb to thoughts i would otherwise hate to see my self pondering upon.

“Twisted Transistor”…korn

I miss my punching bag…Flashbacks…from the time when i was a loser to when i became the most proud asshole around, to when my pride fell….

“Until The end”…B.Benjamin

i just wanna run….rurn fast, hard and so much that i come close to escaping my existence as a human. Tricking my demons, dodging all the negativity life could throw at me…

“Why dont you and I”….Chad and Santana

My heart goes spastic….the lame romantic comes out when i listen to this one…and i suddenly become the worlds classiest guitarist……hahahaha

“Transformers”…mutemath

like im rising from the dark…i wield my unbreakable sword to vanquish all that makes my friends suffer…
i am prime…i sacrifice and its all honor respect and glory that surrounds….

“Detonation”….trivium

i am the tormented and tortured soul. And im healing. I am coming back to life. I’m reminded of how much pain i could sustain. A lil more couldn’t hurt. I rise and touch my wounds. And i close my eyes…they are healing….

“Are you gonna be my girl”…jet

I feel like askin out my favorite girl out with this one….and i can sing it too! too bad i aint got no guitar skills…

“two become one”…atreyu

i realize ho insanity hits suddenly. how you have these nasty bouts of madness when you could make any decision no matter how rash and unthoughtful. but at that time its all so fucked up that choosing between patience and panic is really really hard…

“Dance,Dance”…Fall out Boy

Theres this line in this classy rock number that says it all “these are the lives they’d love to lead, dance,this is the way, they’d love, if they knew how misery loved me…”

“The end of heartache”…killswitch engaged]

Awesome awesome awesome, man….i could scream and head bang as much as i want. The lyrics get deeper every time i listen to it…i could relate to it like any other song…you could charge me up to kill with this one. Metalcore usually does that to me. funnily enough, the chorus gets me mellowed down to consider myself as a wild beast tamed by…well never mind that

“Stairway to heaven”…if you don’t kno the artist slit ur throat and die a slow death

So subtle…so full of just genuine dark quality music that it gets deep into ur head and ur thoughts swim less erratically…..
it controls me. *bows*

“Car Underwater”…armor of sleep

My wounds. My faults. My foolishness. My loser self. My stupid stupid ego….My dark thoughts, my anger at myself.

“Open wounds”…skillet

My breakdown. My self destruction. It comes around. I feel the need to bleed.

“Reise, reise”…Rammstein

My brilliance takes over. I feel rejuvenated. but i feel dark. Like a dark knight rising with a single objective in his mind. Destroyin all that stand against. I rise and close my eyes. I pray for the souls of my loved ones and take the path less taken and more testing. I move slow and careful, Sharp and solemn….

“roads”….portishead

wouldn’t dare talk about this one….

“Rock is Dead”…Marilyn Manson

Fuck em all….get me some gatling guns baby! lets make swiss cheese off the losers wasting the oxygen around…

theres me and then theres me

im great.

sorry for the long absence.

i thought i would not write on this apge again but then i feel like resuming my insults to the world and its beings and my escapades here, wherever i am.

hilarious though they are, the things that have happened oin the past couple of months describing them withing one post would be a supremely huge task and so i’ll let this conclude here itself.

cheers to the world…

may ur sufferings be limited and joys be unbound

Mustang

Teach me how to fly

I dont know what im feeling right now. Its definitely not happiness.

I think im making you guys tired of reading my not so happy posts, but not posting them would defeat the purpose of writing on this page.

I feel like i have a debt to pay. To the world. For giving me all that it has. I could go on and on about the people who’ve selflessly helped me out. (I don’t think i deserved even half of all that) But i just wanna be simplified for a change.

Illusions are a terrible enchantment ladies and gentlemen. They show you everything your heart could desire but they don’t exist. And for that very reason they hurt you slowly and gradually and give you a life cursed more than anything that you just can’t live without those illusions ever.

I beat them once. And i beat them twice. And now they leave me in pure reality where its taking me time to realize my real worth, which right now seems so little that it would be an embarassment to even think about it.

My life has been centered around nothing at all..aimlessly drifting from one shore to another and reaching destinations that seemed like the final one but none of them really helped me to become what i wanted to be.

What i wanted to be. Its an extremely complicated question actually. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be pure and simple. But i guess there isnt a chance of that now.

by the laws of equivalent exchange, i would have expected life to be really amazing now. But then came the debt…

i want out. I want it all to end. I just want the misery to stop. I try hard. Its been ages now. I want out. i wanna do things i wanted to do. I want more time. I want loadsa time. Its getting outta hand. I dont wanna end up hating myself. I love myself. And thats getting a harder thing to do every freakin’ day.

I wish i was 4 years old again. At a place where i knew that survival was easy and all i had to do was live simple.

Living isnt easy. Getting used to new lives isnt easy. Makig a comeback isnt easy. Nothings easy. then why do people always smile when i see them. What are they so happy about? Do they have it simple? Am i the only one suffering? Am i undergoing (dare i say it) self pity?

OMG, if i am then im doomed arent i? I just want a lil freedom. from pain, from responsibilities, from obligations, from promises i made.

i wanna let it all go for a change. Even if for a day. I wanna forget.

Its so dark in here and i can feel the phantoms closing in. Another illusion i guess. Not to pay much attention to all that son. U’ll pull through.

I hate punching the bag…it just won’t scream. I hate screaming at the walls they just wont scream back.

“giving up on people is easy, tango”

heck it is.  try me…why’d ya give up on me then?

“ur the greatest, man”

why’d ya all go away then?

“ur my bro, man”

bro am i? why’d u never come to the hospital then?

“we’re best pals”

then why dont you feel my pain (this is frm a movie but i cant think of an alternate phrase)

“i love you”

you lied….

“you’re the greatest!”

look at me…just look at me now.

reach into my heart and the blood is black. Theres no oxygen in there. I have a big heart…all empty and drained with no more ability to love peoplethe way i would have wanted to.

im reverting back to the cold.

its taking me slowly…its taking me slowly.

slower than ever but so deadly in its sloth that it hurts way more than it would.

I’m losing control…my hands are shaking i cant even think straight. I’m getting jumpy and all because i made the simple mistake of not taking what i got and going fo what i wanted.

i want back my pride

please

give it back

i want it back

i wanna live again

please

i beg you

i want my life back. I want myself back.

who took me away from me? who?

please, i beg you. give me back my innocence, my stupidity, my genius my respect, my honor, my desires. make me robin again.

Don’t do this to me.

I knelt down and prayed to god today. I thanked him for all he gave and asked him back for all he took away. but its probably not upto him. I wanna make no more sacrifices. though i havn’t made many.

Give me as much pain as you want. But make it swift and give me back all you took away. i’m ready to pay any price. Any price at all.

“sorry son…its too late…it wont come back”

why dad?

“its gone, like the bullet, it leaves the scar and never returns”

isnt there a way to make things better?

“im afraid i dont kno…”

i hate being sad

it makes my face look like a tuna sandwich. But im abso-fuckin-lutely helpless!

i want out. Seriously.i wanna run away to the hills and live like  monk or smthn but i dont want to live this life anymore.

i felt like dying today. Its one of the scariest things i’ve felt. and theres no one in this world to pull me out? Is there no one who can see my suffer without me telling them and asking them for help? or rather pity?

how cud i let this happen to me? u guys are older…u kno this stuff…why is it happening?

why am i losing control?

i was the horse…the blue. i was the stoic,,,i was the ranger. What happened?

why…

its a question i think i need answered most.

or its death thats watching from somewhere….if it is….

Fudge me!

Ok…never mind the previous post..

im back to normal

been getting these sudden bouts of some wierd nameless disease that im planning to eradicate in the near future (gonna be a doc see?)

wil complete the rest later

cheers!

ps. me adding photographs to posts is not exactly my idea. But i think its a pretty good thing…

Speculating again..

So zombie and i were discussing the effect of company and i have come to the conclusion that being surrounded by too many people in love is having a seriously adverse effect on my smart ass brain.

Now dont get me wrong here (as usual) i dont mean its affecting my daily work as such , but my feelings towards certain issues are being questioned. Wether im right to remain the way i am or should i turn into those macho turned sensitive men..?
Its one of those things that make you think things you dont wanna, and make you ponder over issues you’d rather keep aside or in some forbidden corner of your brain.

Im a simple guy really. I have simple well defined tastes in everything. Either i like things or i dont. Either i see things or i dont. fact of the matter is i have been a very narowminded inflexible (or unflexible..i dont know) person througout this time.

And now i feel things differently

Today i had another one of my small get togethers and this time again some couple ended up makin out on MY bed. A cpl of days younger me would have brought in the entire crowd to see things but i just left to think about how much trust could they hold for eachother to give each other their bodies ( i know how weird this sounds trust me..u don’t have to point it out). I for one would think twice before taking a step like that no matter how gay this sounds.

ok..i’ll cut the crap.

I felt a dangerous need. the kind need you feel when you’re all alone. i kno it was for just a few seconds. And it was probably envy but the fact that i FELT it means a lot. It means that im changing. I dont kno for the better or for the worse. But im changing.

I dont say i hate it. Infact im all curious. When obsession takes over you and you cant think striaght for two seconds without letting an image of ur obsession cross ur mind.

Names…words…songs…movies…there are constant reminders telling you that , my friend, you have another objective to take care of. Some kinda psycological demand probably related to hormones.

GOD DAMNIT…if im not making sense, please read carefully and decipher and read between the lines.

And let me know what im really trying to get to there.

IS it love?

or is it physical closure?

or is it something far more comlpex

Or mayb its recognition

but from whom?

im confused. I love a lot of people. And some very special ones but it does hurt to contemplate fulfillment of desire.

This is not a sad post. Its a question. Nothing grave, nor mad, nor angry nor desperate.A simple thought that never ceases to infect me with all its fierceness.

Its mercilessly taking over. And the wouds are opening again.

my hand reverts back to the poison. It goes black to the blue. To the blue cheers that promised to give me happiness but gave me a sight from hell.

Bu mayb it was a mistake. Another while wudnt hurt wud it?

i dont kno

i just dont kno

how could i let this happen to me?

how could i get this weak?

i need something. And i dont know what.

It feels as though a touch could make it alryt. But of what?

thats a question which confuses me beyond anything.

Or mayb i just need to work hard. man…this is pissing me off!

lets see….lets take it one step at a time…just that i shud find what the steps really are…

Foot In ur ass

She beat me…

nothing surprising.

i can take it

*goes all tight lipped*

AW GOD SHE BEAT ME!!!

no…this is NOT cool…i need to handle this…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SHE BEAT ME!

naaaaaaaaaaaaw ,………………….

*sits at the window devdas style*

U kno..it was rather close…She got lucky

or rather…i got unlucky

I liked the ending though. “and there,dude, is my foot in ur ass…”

I was impressed. COZ I WAS FUCKIN PLANNIN TO USE THAT LINE ON A REGULAR BASIS!!!…

ok..this is getting off topic

fact was/is

she beat me. she beat me good and she beat me fair.

Well…time to get my own equipment. Another few weeks and i start practice.

damn my specs

HAH!

i got the excuse i was looking for!

but then: “only losers have excuses”

yeaaaaa….thas right…im gonna beat her WITH specs…or rather..WITHOUT wearin em…

this aint male ego

this is something very very different and something i cant explain

but a desire to win……

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwwwwwwww…..

here i come!

Intact bullets and future assassins…

I saw the .38 today. 3.5 grand. I cant get it now, i don’t want it either. Coz “the arms laws have become a lot stricter” and it would be pointless owning a gun if you cant show it off and be proud of it. Which wouldn’t have been the case anyway, coz my fascination with colts has gone down ever since i saw the modified PSG sniper rifle. And i hope this lasts…

The reason i liked the .38 (i think thats what it is, the owner has on clue) is coz its a maniature look-alike of the old Colt Equalizer. The ‘peacemaker’ mixed ‘python’ looks and the wood finish handle makes it worth a lot more. The current owner got it from a country maker. Its obviously not an original. Recklessly damaged, but it looks real fine. It doesnt even shoot straight and 3 of its cylinders are damaged. Its good for scaring people, but i dont need to do that now. I dont do gangsta shit.

Let me clear this for u. i had NO intentions of using it. So getting a license for it would have been impossible. Besides, im just 18 and my dad would have found it….eventually.

I like the bullets more than the guns themselves. Im not a gun freak nor am i mad about arms (though i wrote several write ups on hypothetical weaponry for the physics teacher). But i still like em both. i have 5 different bullets. All fired ones. They were shot by people who couldn’t hit the target at the range. i just went ahead and collected them. The one fired from the carbine looks as good as new. Which means, the one who fired it was also as good as new with the firearm.

This post is probably of no interest to the women. “its a man thing” u might think. But trust me. i aint the only person i kno who collects bullets and likes guns around here. I met this girl who’s my dad’s-friend’s-daughter (no she’s not my friend). She knows more about guns than i do. (not that i qualify as an expert but im ME ryt??)

She owns a Dragunov bullet (or so she claims). but thats not at all important. It was when she fired those shots with the airgun that i realized i was in love with her.

*goes into his dreamily admiring wide eyed mode*

Ok…so on a serious note, she’s challenged me to this marksman bond. Basically freestyle target shootout without prior practice. Best outta 9. I’ll probably lose. 6 out of top 10 assassins in the world are women.

In anycase, i think my love for guns and stuff is drying up a little. I should be careful. Other crap like cell phones and shoes is kickin in. I dont like flashy cell phones, really. its a lot of utility pumped into one little box. And every feature it has is of the lowest quality.I dont see the point of a 3.2 mp camera or a less than accurate gps system, just coz its cheap. But lately im classifying buying an iphone vs a viao as rational. *slaps himself……..twice*. Even shoes for that matter. Im tired of seeing chuck taylors everywhere. Even i wear a pair and im planning to change that ASAP. (no offence to those who own converse shoes, just that they’re so in these days that too many people roam around wearin em!.)

If this goes on….no…lets not think about it.

No wait..if this goes on…..*slap again*

never mind

Its that girl man…she’s pretty (read beyond gorgeous), smarter than any girl i’ve ever known till now and she’s more than lethal. And i ended up hating her. Oh the tragedy!!! Hopefully, there shall be more of such spectacular women in future. Not that im looking forward to it right now. I have a lot of things to do in a couple of years…Will fit this in somewhere. But for now….*sigh*

Hoo Hoo! ha ha ! hee hee!

Dunno, ever since i got off at the cal airport, I’ve been smiling and laughing and crackin jokes like im in some kinda mental clown form. The best part is people are rather impressed. In cal after my work was done, i went places with a cpl of me pals. There, after a lil moronic “excitement” i went ahead and got hold of this seriously cute girl’s phone number. But lets face it man. This kinda shit is done by 20 yr olds and in pubs by people who are desperate to get hooked. I just did it coz i wanted to prove i could do it. Kinda bad on my part i agree, but i have absolutely no intentions of using that number in any case.

In the whole guy’s group, for this stupidity, i became some kinda demi god for a few hours and then we moved on to more important challenges regarding metal gear solid and GOW. However, once the partying ended i came to a conclusion that i have been in a rather good form the entire trip and being “in form” doesn’t exactly cause any harm in the ladies department.

Ok…ok… so mayb im braggin… so what? Its a quiet major feat ryt? i’ve virtually never been with a girl…ever. so its bound to affect me a little. Like i was joking about seducing air hostesses on board with a friend of mine once. It sorta caught on to me and i was cracking the most smart ass one liners in response to anythings the women in red asked…!

Ok…i’ll stop bragging now.

So….why have i been in form. it seems that the 16 minute 46 seconds emo phase i was undergoing the last time i posted, vanished days ago and has been replaced by a very strong heppy heppy thought of makin mommy and daddy proud by doing a lot of great things lately. So living a up to my fathers untarnished reputation is rather easy (nowadays). But worth the kinda happiness/hippiness I’m going through right now . Plus the cash inflow….sweet sweet heavy wallet (full of change)

Well….I’ve been taking a lot of cases lately and feel particularly bad about pushing this guy to point of tears regarding his tragic love life (again). sorry dude…didn’t mean to get so far.

But anyways…my jokes are getting better and i would love to let you onto a few of them, but i cant really find a way to put them in context for you right now. The moment i do, i will definitely post it WITH a guarantee that every line will make you laugh even if your one true love turned out to be a homosexual git and a half.

cheers!

Riese…

Even tho I’m still “in recovery”. I think it would be safe to write a little more. It helps to ease out the pain since i don’t speak to anyone these days.

I can see it on my parents’ faces that they suspect that something. And hiding is becoming harder. I’m working on the entire thing. giving exams as usual. Studying….staying closed hoping they’d not see me as often as they would. Its all fine. I’m taking precautions. so we can be rest assured that there wont be a big fuss at home.

In my involuntary “sacrifice” time, I’ve learned the following things. They are purely out of diversified experience and they are very true with very few exceptions.

- People who you think are good friends, don’t really care much. Its only the best pals who stick to you and try their best to bring you up. And force you even higher than they are.

- There IS a god. There IS something called karma.

- Life doesn’t end with downfalls. Coz when u fall down a pit. The only way to go is up. And if you can do that, you can believe without doubts that u’re amazing.

- Pride without substance is really bad. People who carry it around like that end up losing everything.

- Blue drugs are bad. They can get so close to finishing you so quickly that in the end all you can have left is a rotten bunch of cells for a brain which needs a lot of stimulation to think. And a lot more concentration to not. Dope…fags…they just mess around with ur anatomy. These lil smooth pills just rape ur mind in ways u wouldn’t wanna experience. ever.

- believing in miracles isn’t healthy. But striving to make them happen is what makes you a man.

- Never exert your body or mind beyond its capacity. even tho we think we can take it, we really cant. But otherwise, the human mind and soul is stronger than the strongest entity you can think of.

- Dreaming is bad. Coz when ur dreams get crushed, the feeling is worse when its ur own fault. And that is usually the case.

I don’t know why i have tears in my eyes. But for some reason it feels nice right now. But anyway…lemme continue.

- Making the magic happen is easy. Its about how innocent you are. Once that is lost, so is the magic. And Magic is real. I can do it.

- A thirst for vengeance is a good thing actually. it drives you to become better to some extent.

- Punching the walls frustrated without knowing where to channelize ur anger only gives you broken knuckles.

- Finding happiness in small things makes you forget the big ones.

- Not cursing your life actually gets you through the worst of the situations. people who crib, keep doing it forever. Life is beautiful. Living is the most amazing thing we do. Respecting life and not fooling around with it is gonna make things better beyond what you’d want.

- Stoicism is the most brilliant way of handling people. Indifference is the worst. yes theres a difference between the two.

- Its better for your family and friends not to know things they cant help you with.

- handling your problems on you own is the right thing to do if ur sure you can handle it.

- Knowing ur problems , identifying them is the hardest part. Finding a solution is thrice as easy.

- The more loving you get from people, more beautiful life becomes. And reciprocating all that love not directly in words but in thoughts makes you as great a human as any other.

- when you wish for life to end, you are a coward. theres nothing brave about jumping of the building. It takes real courage, to stand up again. Brave the darkness. Fortify urself and emerge as a dusty diamond, which the breeze would clean and the sun would make shine.

- Never let anyone you say u CANT do something. especially if that someone is half the person you are.

- you deserve to get everything you want. its what you want that needs to be right.

- theres no substitute to working ur fucking ass off day and night to gain success.

- Theres always adequate money. Theres never a dirth if you know what you really want and what really makes you happy.

- Looking for happiness, love and respect doesn’t get people anywhere. I’ve seen it happen and I’m not going to make this mistake, nether should you.

- Human beings are extraordinary beings at times. theres so much they can adapt to and so much they can endure, that no amounts f pain and suffering could break them if they chose to remain unbound to earthly “discomforts”. My body has gotten me through so much. I’m really really grateful.

- living for others at times, is a great thing to do. having principles and ideals that have the element of compassion in them somewhere, makes you more of a human than someone who lives and does things only for themselves.

- caring about what people think of you is a good sign. Comparing yourself to others is bad. don’t get me wrong here. i don’t mean you should conform to other people. i just mean that you shouldn’t be excessively individualistic about what you do.

- its always the current loser that beats you later on.

- the mind is always stronger than the heart. if it isn’t. Ur screwed.

The tears have stopped now. And i realize that i have to get back to continuing my journey to finding the light within me. i feel I’m close. i think I’ll find it. I’m a jewel. i just cant make me shine right now. i will glow. i will rise. And i will be loved by all the way i wanted to be. And i will be looked down upon no longer. I shall build a fortress of honor and glory built from the bloody tissues of my sacrifices. I shall be unbreakable. I need to be so. I have broken and mended myself too many times now.

You possibly dont always get what you deserve. And you possibly don’t always get what you want. the trick is turning it into a probability. And only you can make it happen. The way destiny is written is fantastic. Coz it can be changed.

*update: theres a difference between crying and having tears in your eyes. I’m not ashamed to admit the latter. yes…even tho I’m 18.

Bad business

well…im really sorry for not commenting and reading my fav pages for a while now.

And im also sorry for disappointing u with a lack of interesting posts.

Thing is…im stuck with a few bad screw ups that are taking a lil more time to clear up than i had expected.

So i’ll finish my work and get back to everyone in a few days.

peace, cheers, respect and apologies!

Mustang

More Things Said

“There is a big difference between losing it and LOSING IT !”

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“Men are dogs? wtf ?”

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“they stayed up all night smoking crack and playing playboy”

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“I did warn him about the underwear theif, you know”

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“im running away from home”

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“They ought to make more detailed symbols for men and women”

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“what if musharraf was in love with bhutto and got her killed coz she wudnt sleep with him? Ok…thats sick man…”

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“Nuke em!”

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“I have the perfect battle strategy, lets go home and eat ice cream and let em stew in the heat”

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“My friend says ur an alien, mister”

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“mommy says not to speak to gay guys with bad dressing sense”

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“i hate women who think everyones hitting on them..coz they’re usually right”

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“How the hell do YOU kno she sleeps with her mouth open?”

“dont start that shit again man..”

“no seriously…how DO you kno?”

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“My cell phone never lies, and if it says its ur birthday today, it is, paise nikaal…”

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“That was just a lot of stinky muck..the worst is yet to come…”

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“please tell me ur jokin…”

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“want the cheers mate?”

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“Love triangles are usually right angled”

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“ideal matches? they stopped making them long time ago my friend”

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“They say he’s a serial killer. U think he can work for us?”

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“Get me a mouth organ. The one you play stupid!…Goddammit! The one that produces music! Yes, it produces music asshole!!”

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“if i can repel women that fast, why aint i in some shit record book?”

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“Dude, we’re screwed…they’re getting married now”

“Do some kundli shit man….ur mom can fake it perfectly i kno. “

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“I wudnt mind stalking women if it was some kinda paid job, you kno…”

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“They told me drugs were bad”

“They ARE arent they?”

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“Thats my bunch-extinction-incenerator-machine asshole! you get your own bunch-extinction-incenerator-machine!”

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“Free bullets? are you serious?”

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“BWAHAHAHAHA….she dumped you for a faggot with no brains man…and u tellin me that I AM screwed??”

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“Please tell me the truth, if its bad, i’ll thrash ur guts out next week…”

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“i need a fag, and i need one now. I mean the cylindrical tobacco filled stick u asswipe…”

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“They stripped at her party. I think they even got paid. “

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“tango’s in love….hahahahaha”

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“ur gonna get F’d in the A, my friend, mark my words”

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“you wrote his name on your pillow….shit! thats SICK!!!”

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“So ur gonna do the assignments together all day long and drink coffee… and u still wont make out?…retards…”

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“He’s pissed coz he walked into his parents room and they were..er….experimenting…And they arent exacty in their twenties..not a pretty sight mate…”

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“I got nuclear power in my ass..wanna see? huh?”

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“he said he was pissing from the 5th floor and deriving its equation of trajectory”

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“I can’t believe she beat him at chess…”

“She was playing without her shirt…”

“No wonder……no wait…wtf? LUCKY SON OF A BITCH!”

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“Dude…i wann see you fall in love one day, coz then u’d understand what u’ve been missing out on for such a long time…”

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“He wants to learn bong so he can getaway with insulting tango”

“tango IS bong, asshole…”

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“Lets make him see sense, lets turn him blind”

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“Lets freeze him…he’ll wake up after 200 years and that will really freak him out…”

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“You go tame your dragon, darling…”

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“I kinda miss that kinda life”

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“You said it man…”

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