The Watcher

It was fierce love. Fueled by fear, strengthened by will.

The cold winds howled. The windowpanes froze
And she wouldn’t let anyone near him while he slept…

Lady in white

There’s a lady in white
A shooting star in the night
Singing and dancing her
Way into my heart

There’s a fire burning bright
On a midwinter night
Bewitching and blinding
My soul right from the start

Your song once released
The sudden spring
Like a falling rain
I was under your spell
And time just slipped away

You took my hand
And you spoke to me
I was healed again
By those whispered promises
I was led astray

Well i spoke my mind
It was anger and hate
But you calmed me down
Years went by and i never got away

Now i’m trapped inside
Your magic world
It’s much too late
For a moment of love
It’s the price i have to pay

Where dark shadows rise
In the forest of ice

There’s a lady in white
A shooting star in the night
Singing and dancing her
Way into my heart

There’s a fire burning bright
On a midwinter night
Bewitching and blinding
My soul right from the start

Questions and Answers

“i’d love the scoop so pass it on”

“ahan ahan”

“still 19?”

it all pisses me off….really.

am i right to get angry?

maybe i really am the angry young man.

or maybe i should become like Goerge mallory and take every chance i can to get what i believe is right.

“”"only time will tell”"”

Withdrawl?

For the past few days, i dont really know whats affecting me so bad. It maybe the terms of the bet. Withdrawals?
don’t think so
Dark thoughts are a manifestation of what exactly?
People have been making there own theories on my case these days. Mayb its time for another rash decision and do something SO stupid that the past shit is forgotten and im let off with a small scene.
Or maybe, just maybe its time to take things a lot more seriously than i would otherwise, considering the fact that i dont really have much to stay for here.
College life seems to have a VERY complex and adverse effect on a lot of things i hold high in myself.
If being lost is what they call me, i should tell em all to fuck off.
Its a mad world. Everyones out to get you. Why is it necessary to take out the best to be the best? Why can’t one shine and have recognition without resorting to dirty psyco games.
I wont do it. or maybe im trying to convince myself of the fact that i CAN but wont whereas the truth probably is that i cant. I dont have what it takes. I dont have the support.. could have had it when it was available. But maybe its the way things are meant to be. maybe i was meant to suffer self image problems.

Isnt there a time in a man’s life when he attains a rather stable personality without having to constantly think of what to change? where happiness is expecting less or nothing and life seems prettier with the days.?
I guess not. Because im tired of waiting. Im tired of seraching for solutions. Im tired of pretending to be happy while feeling evil and dark inside. I dont wanna hurt anyone. Or do i?
I dont wanna do things i say are wrong. I dont wanna lose myself in this battle for pretentious satisfaction and lies.
what i want is to be left the way i am.
I dont hurt anyone. why am i being targeted then? Is there nothing in me that can be held in high esteem?

I can claim that im better than a LOT of people i know. But why is it so hard t convince myself?
Or am i really trying to convince others?
life goes full circle? fuck whoever said that.
Life’s a web. and we’re reaching the dead center. There are plenty of ways to get to it and they all are the same really. With the same grand ‘the end’.
Theres no compensation. Theres no reward. Theres just a world of your own. ashell you crate to block out all that upsets you. And im trying to build one for myself.
Im not interested in ruling the world. Im not interested in being the god or king of anything at all.
For once in my life i just want to be known as the guy who’s in college, does his music, loves his parents, takes care of his friends and lives a VERY simple life.

im sick of being blamed for stuff i didnt do. Im sick of being picked at for no reason. I’m sick of being associated with the lame females in the class. Im sick of being chewed at for nothing. IM done
im tired of being mad
Its this implosive anger that scares me. For if the darkness comes out again. Whats gonna happen?
day before yesterday’s fight left more than a bruised knee. It left a question in my head.
Is this what im meant to do? Is this what i’ll tell people as what i do in college?
The thrashing felt SO good. The pain redeemed and anger let out in fury such as i have not seen myself in.
the world’s full of retards i admit. and im not a retard. Im a rather sensible person.
My sense of humor not being accepted isnt a problem either. I just wanna find people who’re in sync with it. Not avialable?
fine no humor

so no humor, no happiness, no love and affection, no respect. being reduced to this i need to turn into the “dream weaver” maybe.
Or maybe i’ll just die.
fuck the world and everything in it. honestly.

affection…a destructive endeavor of the messed up mind

its true.
the bitch in the streets means nothing.
the sweet ride means nothing.
the life and times of a defeated monk. that means something. A duel where the law of karna ditches you. And shishios principles take control. Sadness prolifrerates and the war has casualties.
it takes a huge toll.

worth living for?

hmm…re-adress or reconsider?:

10,000 bucks
2499 kilometers
Crappy small talk
the Rs.9000 bet
The chills at Edge
And all the alcohol.
Trips, fights and random acts of chull (that i wanna prove something?)
Its been long. still?
Man…i feel like a 5 year old wondering who finished the cake from last night.
And then college. I am VERY confused.
College has a way of complicating things. While building up a social image you have to very careful not to upset people lest they hate you (more than what they already do).

Funny thing is, in all my modesty, i dont give a rat’s ass, still.
Funnily, for all the politics people read about and all the parliamentary drama we witness nothing can beat the likes of what happens in the average college classroom.
Pretending to be immune only gets worse and indifference leads to people percieving you as insane. You dont care still maybe. But then work gets hampered and self sufficiency suffers. to have a better future we compromise on the way we wanna see the world.
Funny?
Yes, sir
very

I have done some really extreme stuff. For really stupid or sometimes rather justified reasons (if i say they’re justified, they ARE justified.)
What you have to realise however is that, the reasons dont seem all that pretty once you look back at how you felt at that time and how stupid it seems right now.

Philosophy can ruin you. Having a set philosophy/ set of principles to follow can be a VERY dangerous. Hypocrisy scares me.
Not because i dont like hypocrites (thats rather obvious…) but because i dont wanna see myself as one.

Me, myself, i , all about me.
Who cares what the world thinks? i’ll be a bakchod for eternity!
a few good friends are better than a dumbass entourage!
But for all the truths i have hated theres one more! the dumbass entourage in question can have a rather ballistic effect on you life.
I hate the DE. Its like a secret society possibly conspiring to bring down any indivisual who prefers to think on a lines parallel to the those of the universe.

As of now, i believe we should live one thing at a time (thing…not day or any other unit of time)

presently, lets just get on with the bet. (along with the daily bullshit we face from college!)

Primarily, we have a big problem. If there is something to prove, which also is a mystery. And if i have to prove myself. then why is it that i wanna do it for some unknown entities. (honest?)
Bhenchod! can i have a smoke please? (oh! i forgot…one butt’s about 9 grand,…GODDAMMIT!)

drop wisdom…not shit

let me tell you something. Basic human nature was cinformed to force itself to have a severe ADD.
Every loser in the world denies having it. but even if they dont know it, half the shit they do is to gain attention.

In my case, no matter how much indifference i display, a part of me extends to achieve stuff to get myself recognised and in the process posing myself as a freakin’ hypocrite.
Either way i suffer deep losses and end up being insecure about my personality…or whatever im trying to say here.

One things is this bet. Its killing me
But i think i need to prove a few points here.
Incase i do, theres glory beyond what i’ve had.

peace,,,,

Sc(h)attered nuerons~

I need adventure. I always need adventure.
Get out. Do loadsa crazy shit. Pump up loadsa adrenaline. Do adventure. Im addicted to it.
I need to keep things spiced up. I need to take cases. I need to be insane.
I thrive on the out of the ordinary.
I survive on bakchodi.
Its probably a very bad psycological disorder.
And its causing my social life to deteriorate like uranium with a half life of 2 seconds.
I dont give a fuck about the whole social image thing, though.
I dont speak to three quarters of the class anyway… and the good thing is they dont care either.
I have a way of life that is not supported. Like im a mac program and we live in the windows world. (bad analogy?)
I do my own thing.
I have been labled as a misfit. well fuck the world then. I’ll do whatever i have to….whatever makes me happy. whatever keeps me excited. Whatever keeps me insane.
Coz i think sanity and being a fuckin nice guy’s a waste of life. routines will just kill me. And the ordinary will frustrate me into killing myself.

Some vacation..

One. i passed
Two. i had no idea it was gonna be this awesome…64%
wooohoo!!!!
Vacations going great. Bought an accoustic guitar. Its black and SO beautiful!

I still dont feel like im 19 though…

however, its like im on a cross country trip…manipal…hyderabad…delhi…calcutta…ahemedabad
wow!
The heats pissing me off, but im still chillin…
I’ve had the guitar for a week and i can already play some bar chords!
its been 11 days and i’ve downed some 2 litres of whiskey already! not that im proud of it…but it feels so bloody awesome!
2nd year’s sort of scaring me. Lets see what happens. I just dont wanna get bored. Which reminds me of what i will be writing for my next post…ciAo…

One down.

First years over. Looking back at all the crazy things we’ve done in the past one year makes me wonder if the second year is gonna be as eventful. Maybe it wont. Coz i’ve done all there was to do
So heres a list of achievements anyway…
-we broke open the first floor balcony gates to RT hostel for entering post curfew
-we destroyed the fuses so that kids would fail with us during exams
-we ran away from the university to goa, in a plan made in 30 minutes
-we broke out of the hostel climbed down a pipe and ran away to kerela for trekking.
we smuggled alcohol into the hostel got caught and i took full punishment
-we screwed with our seniors
-we came and the college won utsav
-we started a band
-i got hospitalized and operated for a broken arm
-Formed friends for life
-Peed at the wardens office….twice
-ate food at the food court for a month for free…
-flunked exam after exam
-Managed to pass a few as well
-Did well in college. Very well.
we’re awesome. I’m awesome. Couldnt have been in a better place
Rawk on! to the the B-company: Hash, Prabuddh, Santi, Shanky, Rudra, Chersey, Gowta

One down.

First years over. Looking back at all the crazy things we’ve done in the past one year makes me wonder if the second year is gonna be as eventful. Maybe it wont. Coz i’ve done all there was to do
So heres a list of achievements anyway…
-we broke open the first floor balcony gates to RT hostel for entering post curfew
-we destroyed the fuses so that kids would fail with us during exams
-we ran away from the university to goa, in a plan made in 30 minutes
-we broke out of the hostel climbed down a pipe and ran away to kerela for trekking.
we smuggled alcohol into the hostel got caught and i took full punishment
-we screwed with our seniors
-we came and the college won utsav
-we started a band
-i got hospitalized and operated for a broken arm
-Formed friends for life
-Peed at the wardens office….twice
-ate food at the food court for a month for free…
-flunked exam after exam
-Managed to pass a few as well
-Did well in college. Very well.
we’re awesome. I’m awesome. Couldnt have been in a better place
Rawk on! to the the B-company: Hash, Prabuddh, Santi, Shanky, Rudra, Chersey, Gowta

Aw crap…its sickundur all over again again

Aw shit, i should have realized a long time ago. this whole wenar business is all related to the 3 year old sickundur affair.
Man…had i been smart enough to figure it out i wudnt be in this situation.
the sickundur affair….it was mad. I get chills everytime i think about i. I couldnt sleep properly for days and the winters werent helping the chain of thoughts. Besides the whole things was just misery for a lot of people.
School can be very harmful when your thinking on those lines.
Well, theres still time and i think i gotta pull back from this shit even though it probably isnt what i think it is. i dunno if u kno what im talking about but here let me say this. I cant think of it in a straighter way. The wenar shit is taking a lil more brainspace than to be alloted so lets leave it as it is and focus on the next objective. Aw crap….i need to work on my realization ability. i realize but i realize too late…
crap crap crap…

Skip this tide

Im going down. cracking up. Losing self control. Drowning in a pool of BP. The skies, the stars gaze upon my existence as though im some insignificant being wasting the planets oxygen. they haunt me. the celestial bodies as well as the earthly. they haunt me. Forcing me to give up living and lose my red and die.

If thats what the forces want i dont mind sliting my wrists. what i want to kno is what happens to the people i love. Not just my family but the rest of them. friends and sharker alike.

Im not suicidal.. I just seem to know the will of god.
He wants to test my vigilance i guess.

starlight blazes my face, touches my hands hoping, i guess, to burn them with its energy.. if thats whats wanted, i might as well pull out my heart and die…

Rythms of Age

Looking at kids these days (younger than myself, I mean) I wonder if their life had the same basic structure as ours did. People talk about generation gaps and changing times but the basic framework of how a boy grows up to become a man is usually the same, really. So I’m just wondering if everyone saw life the way I did (though I am sure that I’m very mistaken)

You were born, naked, wet and hungry, when crying is the physical equivalent of breathing. And then, things just get worse.

Babies are hyper. And babies don’t like other babies. And they want the world to go as per their wishes. And then people say children are cute and innocent. Which is very weird because we as legal adults fail to realize this fact at our age and go on thinking about how innocent kids really are.

At the age of 4 you probably hated the guts of every adult in the world. Especially the ones that hung out with your parents. Your favorite pastime was playing in the mud, chasing insects and doing almost everything that you’d advise kids not to do. But I didn’t think much of other kids when I was 4.

I started observing people when I was 12 I guess. That’s the time when you look around yourself.

You’ve just entered middle school, with loads to study, and meeting loads of new people, new teachers, new subjects, the building, the classroom, and of course the sudden change in your opinion about the members of the opposite sex.. From senior most in primary school to junior most in middle school. A rather heart breaking transition but one which promises (you assume) a whole new set of possibilities.

I guess things were simple those days. It was all about good grades, bad grades, teachers who were sane and those insane (because of you and your bunch, I guess). It was all about playing soccer without passing the ball to anyone and hating the kid who managed to score. Let’s face it. Everyone wasn’t God on the field. Same in class too. The math whizz was probably a loser with a serious lack in life! Who needed a perfect score in math?

But those are the years when you develop an insight into judging people. You develop instincts which probably guide you through thick and thin telling you what to do and what not to do. Who’s the good guy and who’s not? You make a set of assumptions and rules for yourself to follow. You develop a routine timed in your head, to be followed as long as you possibly could. For you the important things were getting a good score and making mom dad happy.

So, unfortunately when things are looking great, ‘it’ hits the fan and you enter teenage and your mind starts shrinking at the possibilities. Adolescence becomes a battle, a life or death mission in unchartered waters .

The word ‘teenage’ in my opinion should be bad from usage. Yea..Adolescence too.. In my opinion it’s very much analogous to a spiteful racist remark, the word being used by the modern middle aged parents to give an explanation that’s too rational to describe a new set of things that could go wrong. Very wrong…

Funny thing is, they usually do. You take a shower too often, you are too concerned about the way you look, you want to look awesome and you think anyone who doesn’t look awesome is worthy of nothing but awesome amounts of underestimation in every aspect of a 14 year olds life… except math maybe. Life changes drastically. Your looks change, you start looking around more, absorb things from people you admire and develop a certain amount of sound judgment. Teachers become enemies, women, the bane of your existence and friends more important than parents.

You have denomination systems then. The nerds, the jocks, the class freaks, the free men and the girls (Cute ones). Interestingly, no one has a problem with this system and I bet it’s still there in every class room of every 14 year old in the world.

School is where everything happens. At home you are a totally different person. You start hiding stuff from your parents and you both know that some things needn’t be talked about. You got bullied in school. The big kid wants cash or lunch or just wants to take your case. You somehow finish school come home in a bad mood. You’ve had a rough day and any rational human should understand that. Unfortunately parents at that age don’t seem to be the rational human beings you wanted them to be so you don’t tell them about the bully and shout. ‘Leave me alone’ was the most popular things to say as far as I can remember…

You develop a major enemy now. It’s called ego. Now that you are an “adolescent” you have an image. But along with it comes the pride without substance and you unfortunately blame your rubbish on everyone and everything but yourself. You hate the world when your pride’s broken and all you want to do is get back at all the people who made you feel miserable, even if it means shouting at mom and dad. The word “misunderstanding” rips your neurons out considering the number of times you use it, after having exactly the right effect on exactly the wrong people.

Now this is just a teaser. Enter high school and now you really know that some serious work needs to be done. Everyone including you has an identity crisis. A severe attention deficit disorder and people making the rashest decision doing the most radical things in order to gain popularity. Aah…that’s the word- “popularity”. The hateful ambition of almost every teenager on the planet. Academics mean nothing. Books are an insult to carry or read. Dating is compulsory and following rules and regulations is embarrassing. But I think the friends you make during this time are the ones that stay with you for a life time. At least in my case, the friends I made back in high school still stick by me like anything.

Anyway, nothing can beat the materialism that’s found in high school. Versace, Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren become ego issues rather than brand names. Creativity comes in form of tattoos and accessories and how one manipulates the school uniforms. Around you everything seems queer and your 17 year old sense of manhood takes over your 17 year old sense of intelligence. Heavy jeans, regular workouts, learning to play the guitar or wanting to do all that- everything works up your brains like fireworks. You want to enhance your reputation and feel good about yourself. You want to date the cutest girl in class. Your friends have crossed over and you are the last man alive. And of course, your head stops working when it comes to girls. You meet her and she smells like mist. You on the other hand smell like mud and sweat. You twitch, stammer and pass out too (if you are lucky enough not to throw up) or you just go insane if you found out she knew your name. And unfortunately there IS a certain unexplainable logic to that. You come down to more rudimentary forms of communication post embarrassment over women. It’s just grunts and glares. And if you mess up, “hell hath no fury such as a woman’s scorn”

At this age, if you are lucky enough to find one, you really start picking up things from your role model. It could be your dad, brother, senior- anyone. Mine was a teacher. Taught me plenty I know about life. He treated me like a man. We had a silent recognition for each other. Mutually respecting each other’s position like gentlemen. He believed in me and I came through. But I guess almost everyone had the role model. The kind of person who would always say something very wise. And I’m glad I was under his wing.

Ahem, anyway,

“Peer pressure” is a word often used by parents and counselors for kids who enter college or even in school. But mostly in college. “The evil that men do” eh? You do things you thought you’d never do when you were a kid. Right and wrong have different definitions. You live a life controlled by variables and clauses.

“Why not?”- Two words that separate men from boys, warriors from cowards, dudes from losers. Corruption takes over you just because the people who seem to take that road are attractive in some way. This is when its time you created an identity. But before you do that you look back at all the years you lived. At all the facts you learnt from experiences and people you knew. You feel blessed at the thought that you have had at good so far and your heart fills with wonder about what will come your way now.

At nineteen I wish I was younger. I wish sometimes I could go back in time and relive those wonderful days. But that way a lot of things I learnt over time and all the experience that has taught me stuff and made me more mature, would be lost. My first year in college is close to its end and I have already changed a lot. Change really is a permanent phenomenon. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. And what I gain here, I shall carry with me for life.

“Change is inevitable…except maybe from vending machines” ~ Anonymous

De-rex

I still refuse to believe it was a waste. But then im a slow learner.
its mystifying, you know. the whole concept. Its a defect rather.

I’ve made this things to do list though

-speak to more people
-Stop taking cases too often
-stop the anti social bullcrap
-Quit smoking
-Reduce alcohol
-work on the band
- Let go of the shark, the pride and the 7up for a while
-Be polite
-study more often
-write more often

Hopefully i can do em all….

I am watcher

One of the problems that people point out in me is the fact that i think too much. Its probably a slight defect in the personality but in considering rationality i end up taking the most unrational decisions ever. Yes its a basic flaw. But at the same time, thats a rather rare case. for rest of the people who unfortunately DONT think…heres a big “SCREW YOU”. Now im kinda jealous of these people. they usually dont realize that most of their unhappiness is attributed to there own shit and not anyone else’s. but in our case “the thinkers” we kno exactly where we ent wrong and we keep blaming ourselves for it no matter how well we kno that nothing can be done about it.
They say when u fall down a hole the only place u CAN go is up.
The problem with the mordern aged teenager is that rather than trying to make thing better they’d wallow in self pity and torment themselves looking around for sympathy as long as they think they can get it. It is at this juncture when im confused. I see such people in my friends. And i feel ashamed at times…how could i be friends with THEM! But thats being entirely stupid! So i give them what they want. sympathy, audience, afection. And now i wonder. What if i was doin what they’re doin. What if i was the wistfull jackass sitting in one corner of the room gazing in the dark? who would come and ask me whats wrong?
Ad thats whn u realize…shits already hit the fan.
you are no thinker. You are just a jackass. You like sympathising. You like sharing people’s sadness because you urself dont have a way to express ur own. U share peoples happiness because you have no clue how to express ur own! You become an emotional parasite. you start watching people around trying to relate them to the way you think you feel. You see some kids partying laughing and jumping and u feel euphoric…wow! life’s so awesome!
you see the class loser crying behind the library and you wonder why ur as alone as he is.

You are brainfucked. You have become a watcher. A complex observer who has no clue what he’s actually seing. Your rationality is defined not by facts but by the things u make in ur head. A bit unfortunaate really.
Now once you have realized what you are going through is one of the things you were against. Social drama, angst, hallucinations of euphoria. And you feel like a hypocrit. You wonder why the world couldnt see things the way u did and you feel all alone. Left in the dark waiting for a new miracle to hit ur life but it dsnt.

Sadness is like gravity too ladie and gentlemen. What you actually need to elarn is to get away from it.

I am happy one can say. But running away from the fact that me is a loser is becoming harder and harder everyday.

Muse-hic!….I

Another one of my playlist induced posts.Its really wierd the way music affects me. I mean, you could literally control me, change my state of mind with music. It makes me forget…it makes me remember…its my marijuana, my nicotine, my healer, my tormentor….(if it was a woman, i would have probably gone insane with pure love, no matter how cheesy this sounds)

“Frozen Angel”….Norther

I go insane. “Alone we die, my frozen angel”. courage fails and i succumb to thoughts i would otherwise hate to see my self pondering upon.

“Twisted Transistor”…korn

I miss my punching bag…Flashbacks…from the time when i was a loser to when i became the most proud asshole around, to when my pride fell….

“Until The end”…B.Benjamin

i just wanna run….rurn fast, hard and so much that i come close to escaping my existence as a human. Tricking my demons, dodging all the negativity life could throw at me…

“Why dont you and I”….Chad and Santana

My heart goes spastic….the lame romantic comes out when i listen to this one…and i suddenly become the worlds classiest guitarist……hahahaha

“Transformers”…mutemath

like im rising from the dark…i wield my unbreakable sword to vanquish all that makes my friends suffer…
i am prime…i sacrifice and its all honor respect and glory that surrounds….

“Detonation”….trivium

i am the tormented and tortured soul. And im healing. I am coming back to life. I’m reminded of how much pain i could sustain. A lil more couldn’t hurt. I rise and touch my wounds. And i close my eyes…they are healing….

“Are you gonna be my girl”…jet

I feel like askin out my favorite girl out with this one….and i can sing it too! too bad i aint got no guitar skills…

“two become one”…atreyu

i realize ho insanity hits suddenly. how you have these nasty bouts of madness when you could make any decision no matter how rash and unthoughtful. but at that time its all so fucked up that choosing between patience and panic is really really hard…

“Dance,Dance”…Fall out Boy

Theres this line in this classy rock number that says it all “these are the lives they’d love to lead, dance,this is the way, they’d love, if they knew how misery loved me…”

“The end of heartache”…killswitch engaged]

Awesome awesome awesome, man….i could scream and head bang as much as i want. The lyrics get deeper every time i listen to it…i could relate to it like any other song…you could charge me up to kill with this one. Metalcore usually does that to me. funnily enough, the chorus gets me mellowed down to consider myself as a wild beast tamed by…well never mind that

“Stairway to heaven”…if you don’t kno the artist slit ur throat and die a slow death

So subtle…so full of just genuine dark quality music that it gets deep into ur head and ur thoughts swim less erratically…..
it controls me. *bows*

“Car Underwater”…armor of sleep

My wounds. My faults. My foolishness. My loser self. My stupid stupid ego….My dark thoughts, my anger at myself.

“Open wounds”…skillet

My breakdown. My self destruction. It comes around. I feel the need to bleed.

“Reise, reise”…Rammstein

My brilliance takes over. I feel rejuvenated. but i feel dark. Like a dark knight rising with a single objective in his mind. Destroyin all that stand against. I rise and close my eyes. I pray for the souls of my loved ones and take the path less taken and more testing. I move slow and careful, Sharp and solemn….

“roads”….portishead

wouldn’t dare talk about this one….

“Rock is Dead”…Marilyn Manson

Fuck em all….get me some gatling guns baby! lets make swiss cheese off the losers wasting the oxygen around…

theres me and then theres me

im great.

sorry for the long absence.

i thought i would not write on this apge again but then i feel like resuming my insults to the world and its beings and my escapades here, wherever i am.

hilarious though they are, the things that have happened oin the past couple of months describing them withing one post would be a supremely huge task and so i’ll let this conclude here itself.

cheers to the world…

may ur sufferings be limited and joys be unbound

Mustang

Teach me how to fly

I dont know what im feeling right now. Its definitely not happiness.

I think im making you guys tired of reading my not so happy posts, but not posting them would defeat the purpose of writing on this page.

I feel like i have a debt to pay. To the world. For giving me all that it has. I could go on and on about the people who’ve selflessly helped me out. (I don’t think i deserved even half of all that) But i just wanna be simplified for a change.

Illusions are a terrible enchantment ladies and gentlemen. They show you everything your heart could desire but they don’t exist. And for that very reason they hurt you slowly and gradually and give you a life cursed more than anything that you just can’t live without those illusions ever.

I beat them once. And i beat them twice. And now they leave me in pure reality where its taking me time to realize my real worth, which right now seems so little that it would be an embarassment to even think about it.

My life has been centered around nothing at all..aimlessly drifting from one shore to another and reaching destinations that seemed like the final one but none of them really helped me to become what i wanted to be.

What i wanted to be. Its an extremely complicated question actually. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be pure and simple. But i guess there isnt a chance of that now.

by the laws of equivalent exchange, i would have expected life to be really amazing now. But then came the debt…

i want out. I want it all to end. I just want the misery to stop. I try hard. Its been ages now. I want out. i wanna do things i wanted to do. I want more time. I want loadsa time. Its getting outta hand. I dont wanna end up hating myself. I love myself. And thats getting a harder thing to do every freakin’ day.

I wish i was 4 years old again. At a place where i knew that survival was easy and all i had to do was live simple.

Living isnt easy. Getting used to new lives isnt easy. Makig a comeback isnt easy. Nothings easy. then why do people always smile when i see them. What are they so happy about? Do they have it simple? Am i the only one suffering? Am i undergoing (dare i say it) self pity?

OMG, if i am then im doomed arent i? I just want a lil freedom. from pain, from responsibilities, from obligations, from promises i made.

i wanna let it all go for a change. Even if for a day. I wanna forget.

Its so dark in here and i can feel the phantoms closing in. Another illusion i guess. Not to pay much attention to all that son. U’ll pull through.

I hate punching the bag…it just won’t scream. I hate screaming at the walls they just wont scream back.

“giving up on people is easy, tango”

heck it is.  try me…why’d ya give up on me then?

“ur the greatest, man”

why’d ya all go away then?

“ur my bro, man”

bro am i? why’d u never come to the hospital then?

“we’re best pals”

then why dont you feel my pain (this is frm a movie but i cant think of an alternate phrase)

“i love you”

you lied….

“you’re the greatest!”

look at me…just look at me now.

reach into my heart and the blood is black. Theres no oxygen in there. I have a big heart…all empty and drained with no more ability to love peoplethe way i would have wanted to.

im reverting back to the cold.

its taking me slowly…its taking me slowly.

slower than ever but so deadly in its sloth that it hurts way more than it would.

I’m losing control…my hands are shaking i cant even think straight. I’m getting jumpy and all because i made the simple mistake of not taking what i got and going fo what i wanted.

i want back my pride

please

give it back

i want it back

i wanna live again

please

i beg you

i want my life back. I want myself back.

who took me away from me? who?

please, i beg you. give me back my innocence, my stupidity, my genius my respect, my honor, my desires. make me robin again.

Don’t do this to me.

I knelt down and prayed to god today. I thanked him for all he gave and asked him back for all he took away. but its probably not upto him. I wanna make no more sacrifices. though i havn’t made many.

Give me as much pain as you want. But make it swift and give me back all you took away. i’m ready to pay any price. Any price at all.

“sorry son…its too late…it wont come back”

why dad?

“its gone, like the bullet, it leaves the scar and never returns”

isnt there a way to make things better?

“im afraid i dont kno…”

i hate being sad

it makes my face look like a tuna sandwich. But im abso-fuckin-lutely helpless!

i want out. Seriously.i wanna run away to the hills and live like  monk or smthn but i dont want to live this life anymore.

i felt like dying today. Its one of the scariest things i’ve felt. and theres no one in this world to pull me out? Is there no one who can see my suffer without me telling them and asking them for help? or rather pity?

how cud i let this happen to me? u guys are older…u kno this stuff…why is it happening?

why am i losing control?

i was the horse…the blue. i was the stoic,,,i was the ranger. What happened?

why…

its a question i think i need answered most.

or its death thats watching from somewhere….if it is….

Fudge me!

Ok…never mind the previous post..

im back to normal

been getting these sudden bouts of some wierd nameless disease that im planning to eradicate in the near future (gonna be a doc see?)

wil complete the rest later

cheers!

ps. me adding photographs to posts is not exactly my idea. But i think its a pretty good thing…