ok….resolution time

After last nights and this morning’s stupidity and retarded circumstances that involved a certain Mr. Commode i have come to realize that silent resolve is worthless. Hence we place it in this blog.
I shall not drink unnecessarily.
I shall not drink unnecessarily.
I shall not drink unnecessarily.

and i hope i stick to it. Anyway…..
more later. Got exams in a couple of days.
peace! \ /

truth and recuperation

i. am. an. alcoholic

i. need. rehab.

unfortunately , it is not an option.

add to that my psychological breakdown and suicidal thoughts.

i need restraint and cover.

but the only man who can give me that is himself running through miserable times.

andd my father’s compensatory behaviour is pissing me off, really…

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I. AM. FUCKED

Backbeat

For a guy who plays 6 instruments, composes music, writes lyrics, dissects tracks and creates a small audio workstation in his own room of two, my musical life sucks big time.
I want recognition. Not ridicule. I want authority. Not some retarded sense of contribution. I know what i am capable of. That should be good enough. My problem isn’t a hunger for fame or groupies or anything of that sort. My problem is that in order for a performance to be successful i have to give up on ideas and look like the kind of guy who is there just for the sake of being there.
I hate drumming on a keyboard. Its fucking ridiculous. I had to do it on stage today. In front of hundreds of people. It wasn’t a studio, man. I was there…on stage tapping the first six keys of a keyboard and looking like a fool. I hated every bit of that performance.
I was not a band member…i was a fucking accompanist. It sucked so bad.
I am pissed and am craving alcohol. I don’t even know who to shout at. Because, when i come to think of it. Its not anybody’s fault.
Its mine probably because i allowed myself to get into this kind of shit.

I sometimes feel that i shouldn’t have picked up the keyboard as an instrument in the first place. Should have been just drums. Drums are so great. You can take it all out on them.
But i love playing the keys. The sound’s amazing. You know what instrument i do NOT like….its the guitar. Every kind except the bass that is. And unfortunately i own an acoustic and not a bass. I hate not having enough cash. I hate not having all the instruments i want.

I am fucked. Honestly. Lord of the back benches. What a fucking joke.

I was there on stage and looking at the crowd thinking ” I – Hate – every – fucking- one – of – you.” So much for a band.

Fuck….

And i end up being the only guy in college who does the worst thing a musician can do on stage.

Requirement.

What i need is an awesome , sudden life altering experience. I don’t know of which kind but it definitely needs to come soon assuming that my ability to focus and remember things the way i used to has diminished like anything.

I am pissed. This is not what i used to be. I had presence of mind, common sense, a good physiology and a decent brain. an eccentric mind. Not a calm one. I had dreams and ambition and now i am a frustrated guy in his final year wondering if i’ll get my clinical cases signed tomorrow. This college, this lifestyle all of it is killing me. I need a break. Not a vacation. A break. I need to be able to be doing something else. I’ll be glad when the Perio posting is over man.
And then i lose my phone and I’m not affected by it. How come? I should have made it a priority to get the SP’s to trace my phone through the police. I should have used pressure. I could have done a lot and i did nothing. I just bunked the next day and was chilling like an idiot.
There are things going on. Exams are coming and I’m wasting my time drinking and watching TV shows.
I am depending on other people for things. It is so pathetic. I feel so pathetic man. Useless. I thought i was so much more and then this place is trying to convince me otherwise.
Man….let final year be over. In eight months all this bullcrap will be over. I’ll be an intern and i’ll be studying for myself. And i’ll be working to make MYSELF a better professional. Not to keep some bitch of a professor happy.

Black dog

That’s what Winston Churchill called it. Therefore, that’s what we are gonna call it. The probable causes for it are not very clear but i have a pretty good idea.
1. alcohol. Here’s one thing that’s messing up my system. I am not healthy. I feel like i am very close to dying. I feel like drinking will make it easier but the next day it all comes back. It has to be dealt with. I am unable to figure out a good way of changing it and its taking a frustrating amount of time.
2. Bunking..I have been missing clinics like anything. My patient work is suffering and i sometimes have no idea what to do. Plus there’s a serious shortage of attendance problem going on.
3. Home…i think stuff at home isn’t going well. and lets leave it like that for now.
4. Lack of desire of a social life…Seriously. I am done with people. They do not make a difference to me anymore. Nothing does. All the negativity that’s pouring into my head cannot be dealt with alone. I am NOT chilling. I need to start speaking to people properly. I need to stop hating.
5. College protocols. They are way too much. But if others can handle it. Why can’t i/?
6. The need to be high. Being high gets me going for a little while but then the guilt and the nonsense about what the hell i am doing comes around and starts to force me deeper into the ‘black dog’.

What do i need to do? Its kind of simple really. Changes don’t happen overnight. So we might take time to change the way things are going.
But initiative has to be taken.
Firstly. I need to stop thinking. I need to shut my brain for a while. Relax the mind.
once that is done. We can move forward. Lets see how this works out.

cheers
Mustang

Gust….Disgust

The thoroughness with which this college rapes my brains would have been commendable if it was a contest. May be rudra would have beaten the course in his own way but lets not get there.
In a place where you are present for the sole purpose of determining a career for youself the level of happiness seems to be rather low.
Perhaps its the current clinical batch, or maybe its my usual habit of hating circumstances no matter how favorable they are.

it pains me to see the patients who approach the clinics with expectation and have them unfulfilled.

It is retarded.
Why are we bothering to treat the not required and ignoring the needy.
I did not join the health sciences with this in mind. I thought i would be useful but in all honesty i have never felt so useless. Maybe the books will help. Because they are as unbiased as you can hope a source of information to be. But then…is it possible to assimilate and apply all that?
Its not me who’s asking. Its what’s being asked of me.

God honest hatred

Now i’m pissed. Really pissed

I hate them. They are NOT professors. They are a bunch of wildly sadistic animals. They expect me to know their subjects the way they do. They do not understand the concept of cutting someone some slack.
They enjoy making me miserable. They derive some sort of sick pleasure watching me all messed up.
I swear to god. If this continues, i’ll snap. Then they’d better watch out for college day. Coz that day…im going to speak my mind out loud to them. They shall be sorry. Very sorry for the way i have been treated by them.
Today i was told off like mad in front of a patient. It was an honest mistake that i did. But i was careful enough not to cause the patient any discomfort. No harm done at all. One 5 minute job was left which i wanted confirmed from a professor. I did not know the finding very well coz im a fuckin undergraduate who does NOT have much experience because i AM a fucking undergraduate. I did not come to this place with an MDS degree before hand and im not that great a student that i’ll know all that there is to know.
I know what i am doing rather well but not well enough to see everything the way a senior staff member does.
So why the shouting? Some sort of manifestation of an underlying frustration? or that of a superiority complex that can not be eliminated by the conscience?
Why can’t professors show a little compassion for their students. why do they want us to get used to a foolishly miserable routine which not only wastes our time and energy but also keeps us on the edge for so long that falling down doesn’t matter anymore.
I do not want to be baby’ed at all. But i need to know that the person teaching me my livelihood is not a complete retard who doesn’t know how to deal with a student..
I want to learn but these three make it look like i cannot anymore.

So. on college day when im gonna graduate wit a good score…im going to tell them how they made my life miserable. I ‘ll actually ask them. If my parents are present, i’ll ask them how they’d feel if someone did this to their children in college. I’ll make sure they know…that if i ever come into power such that they are answerable to me. I shall not let them have a second of peace. And thats a promise.

One word

consequence.

“Actions have consequences, moses”- they said.

mine do to. And im not really interested in facing them.
I want to construct finer consequences. Get what i mean?

The flaw in the design

Now here’s a notion that has been on the back of my mind for a long time but never completely materialized. I hate a lot of things. My passion is limited to just two things- music and alcohol. The latter too has lost its purpose in fulfilling my desire of solace.
I hate. Its in my nature. I despise. I scoff. I dislike most of the things in this world.
But…
It is difficult to survive in this world without showing respect to things or people you don’t respect.
However…
To be a self absorbed, condescending, misanthropic prick that the world claims i am (and i care not really) all i need are two things.
1. Cash
2. Brilliance

Both being inter-related, i have come to the conclusion that the concept is not impossible to live. All its going to take (all being a very subjective term) is work.
If i am the best damn max-fac surgeon in one the prime institutions of this country where my surgical opinion is valued more than my social opinion (or anti-social opinion) then my life’s probelems will be solved. I will not have to show decency to people who do not deserve it. I will not have to show mercy to people who doint deserve it. I can be nice when i want and i can be a total jerk when i want. I can live the life of the perfect human beings doing all the things i like without giving a damn to what the world thinks of me. Without the fear of actions taken against me.
Power….yep. That’s the word. that’s what is going to change my life to being better.
Sum that up with currency and life will be smoother than a bottle of JD.
The only question that troubles me : will i be able to accomplish it?
“I can but can i?” the “have to” level of thinking is almost there. Lets hope it lasts.
cheers.

Another one…

So this was probably the most eventful year ever. Learnt a lot. A lot more than dentistry i mean. Did alot. accomplished several things from the list (the list…THE LIST!)
I wonder what the next year will be like. Will it be more foolish running around and binge drinking or shall we become responsible adults and get to the books because its high time we start thinking of building ourselves a career.
I have some things to take care of before i go. And i have a pretty good hold on stuff finally.
It takes a person time to realize that all bad things around him are not his fault alone and are in a way unavoidable. So i shall let it pass too.
I have no further concern for actions that are not backed by sentiment. Because i for once really dont feel like connecting to the misanthrope in me.
There are good people here, man. And i wanna stick with them. So we learn that the year wasn’t a complete waste.
peace!

Chill Karo bey…

Phat chuki hai. Thak gaya hoon main.
These are the sentiments.
I have been made to realize the truth about my worthless personality. Well there i said it already. Worthless.
I have absolutely no contribution to make as far as this world is concerned. I have no contribution to make as far as i myself am concerned. Half my life i ave changed myself and my opinions to suit myself getting along with the world, believing that becoming a man of rigid principles is a damn good thing only to realize that the notion itself also reeked of the desire to be known for it.
It sounds complex and i hate the fact that i am responsible for it being so complex. Hardly have i ever done anything with the wrong intentions. Im essentially a nice guy who wants good things to happen to not just myself but to everyone else. Unfortunate the realization that its not enough to build up good karma has dawned upon me too late.

My problem is simple. I try to change suddenly and my overlaps cause a lot of trouble. I may have to see a shrink about it some time in future because im so afraid of dealing with certain things that im almost ashamed of it.
Staying away from the society was apparently NOT the solution because now i dont even know how to react to things!
The experience that could have saved me from a lot of problems….i cannot get it anymore. I can try though.
I can’t believe i let things get so outta control.
Life is not all that great these days, man. Stuff is as bad as it could get. There’s no escape than to face the situation like a man. I need answers and i need em bad. Unfortunately i can’t get em outta anyone else and the only one to help me is my fucked up head which i hope does not land me up in anymore trouble.

Black Star And Tsubaki

Man…every time i hear that number i go crazy “never gonna lose myself”. There’s something about the Japanese. They can be hit with the worst tsunami of the millennium and they’ll still bounce back up. their music, their culture…friggin amazing!
Random thoughts pour in and i like it this way. the only problem is that my neurons have been frying slowly. with my alcohol addiction taking new forms. I wish Bacchus wouldn’t stay open post midnight. so anyway i have a new wallpaper that says “none today” hoping it will remind me to stay off alcohol as much as possible.
and i hope this helps. I am a man of very weak will power.
HAHAHAHA….not that it needs any explanation. but screw that for the time being.
exams are on their way so time to start studying! peace!

Graaaave Diggaaaa…..

I have to admit i’ve been a lil thick about things. Heh, god knows if i’ve ever been this dumb.
so lets get this straight. I take two mutually exclusive situations, mix em up in my head, and start thinking about them simultaneously thinking im some kinda genius with people. aaah….the kick in the balls was almost expected.

Simply put, i was very close to doing the same mistake i made with Zorro all those years ago. Still regret that shit. Man, if those DSOI parties were anything but uncomfortably retarded, i’ll eat my head. Though every man has had his weak moments. I had mine this week. And the last. And the week before that.

lets just have a normal 10 days for a change. Let Utsav be over, let us win a lil. Let us drink rum a lil. Twill all be fine.
Ma, paise bhejo

ps. sorry, my two dickhead-friends. I forgot what bro chilling was for a while. HA. Kuchh din ruk jaao. daaru at bacchus is ON!

the unplayed

There are songs on your playlist that are there probably for no reason. But they are there.
I’ll tell you why. Because somewhere in your subconscious u feel that when a situation that fits occurs, you will listen to that number and feel what you feel the way you wanna feel.
I am honestly losing my mind. I am going through severe paranoia. I am happy with life. But sad with the way things are going these days. Its a man’s worst nightmare come true when he isn’t aware of what he wants. Its almost impossible to tell actually unless one has Jack Sparrow’s magical compass.
Its my moral obligation to do certain things. And I’m not one bit ashamed. What i am worried about is losing a lot more than my intellect.
To be honest i don’t even know where i went wrong. The alcohol? The bullshit within the clinics? The need to stay in an altered sensorium?
Maybe Rudra is right. I AM taking out my own frustrations on others. But i have never been the kinda guy to ever do that! Or am i changing. Am i becoming a bitch to the one thing i thought I’d keep away from? Did i start caring about an image? Its like this dark deep hole that i can’t see the bottom off and I’m falling. Hope the waters deep enough. Because even if i fall, I’d at least survive to figure a way out.

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I know light for i have known dark

Therefore, i know joy, for i have known sorrow.
The symmetry if things is evident in almost every aspect of our lives.
So where does it all begin?
Theres a reason why some people like the rain. And im glad im not one of them.
In view of recent events all im glad about is the fact that i maintained my principles. There was no deviation.

But along came karma being the bitch its been for so long and kicked me between the legs real hard. the Sickunder affair was reason enough to get me to become a dickhead. And now its put me into a whole new perspective. well. I guess im happy for some of it. And really really pissed for most. Its been years now. And i can’t believe that one of the three things in life that put me through hell, and that too after being the lamest of em all, has caused me to realize that life is fair for those who are fair to themselves. The question that haunts is: am i?

grease…

On a very honest note, its extremely difficult to assess the current situation. Finally hostel life is starting to seem as worth it as it was in first year. A lot of things are clearer now. With two exceptions. First one being my fucked up APPARENT love life. And the second is the ego problems the folks here are having.
One good thing about this blog is that my hostel mates don’t know about it. Well, except a few. But seriously, even if they knew i wouldnt give two hoots about it.

The daaru parties these days have become rather uncomfortable owing to the fact that all my some of my batchmates have started behaving like dickheads. They need to learn to take things as they come and not poke their nose into people’s business. kahan jaa rahe ho? kya kar rahe ho? kiske saath ho?

bhenchod….ye koi poochhta hai?

saala mood fuck kar dete hain.
Kabhi kabhi lagta hai daaru chhod doon.
Bloody idiots.

Our social experiments have failed it seems. Now no point trying.

pichhle saat dino mein…

No. Not being inspired by farhan akhtar’s song, i have honestly had some very lousy days.
i lost my western solo singing. I wasn’t allowed to participate in the one event where i had a sure shot position.(instrumental solo). My expensive shoes tore…both of em. i ot raped in AOC by clan ‘indus’ which by the way is world no. 1.

fuck. …ye kya ho raha hai…

Hues’11 and counting…

Something about this time of the year. I feel great. My college’s cultural fest just got over and i have realized im damn good at a lot of things. I am writing this post here because talking about it to the rest of the guys can be passed of as bragging. And i have issues with that kind of an image.
But 11 events, 6 trophies, 11 certificates, coupons and cash worth about a grand. Yea. I am the master of HUES. Will probably do the same next year as well.
One interesting thing that happened on the last day was the Mime event. It was so much fun preparing it. I usually don’t prefer working with the girls from my batch but i swear this time they really came through.
It may come as a surprise but i honestly don’t mind hanging out with a few of them anymore. And they have accepted my arrogance with a certain maturity i wouldn’t have expected from them earlier. I like
With the possible exception of one or two of them who do not have the right to breath the air around them..

Apart from my girl woes the last thing i re-realized is the kinda of friends i have here. I say it time and again but if there was a contest of who’s got the best pals in the world. I’ll come first there too.
Hues was great. And now there’s revels’11. Yea…will win some cash there too.
will sign in again after I’ve won something. cheers!

For instance,,,

thats the way you begin a sentence if you do not know how to convince a person of a theory. though here i stand example or not with one true fact. Excess of everything is bad. I need a cut
but the world wont let me. Alcohol makes me feel things i wouldnt be able to feel otherwise. Does it mean that i need a drink to be myself?
i wonder. the concept is becoming rather disturbing.

and then theres the attendance…..
FUCK.