Teach me how to fly

I dont know what im feeling right now. Its definitely not happiness.

I think im making you guys tired of reading my not so happy posts, but not posting them would defeat the purpose of writing on this page.

I feel like i have a debt to pay. To the world. For giving me all that it has. I could go on and on about the people who’ve selflessly helped me out. (I don’t think i deserved even half of all that) But i just wanna be simplified for a change.

Illusions are a terrible enchantment ladies and gentlemen. They show you everything your heart could desire but they don’t exist. And for that very reason they hurt you slowly and gradually and give you a life cursed more than anything that you just can’t live without those illusions ever.

I beat them once. And i beat them twice. And now they leave me in pure reality where its taking me time to realize my real worth, which right now seems so little that it would be an embarassment to even think about it.

My life has been centered around nothing at all..aimlessly drifting from one shore to another and reaching destinations that seemed like the final one but none of them really helped me to become what i wanted to be.

What i wanted to be. Its an extremely complicated question actually. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be pure and simple. But i guess there isnt a chance of that now.

by the laws of equivalent exchange, i would have expected life to be really amazing now. But then came the debt…

i want out. I want it all to end. I just want the misery to stop. I try hard. Its been ages now. I want out. i wanna do things i wanted to do. I want more time. I want loadsa time. Its getting outta hand. I dont wanna end up hating myself. I love myself. And thats getting a harder thing to do every freakin’ day.

I wish i was 4 years old again. At a place where i knew that survival was easy and all i had to do was live simple.

Living isnt easy. Getting used to new lives isnt easy. Makig a comeback isnt easy. Nothings easy. then why do people always smile when i see them. What are they so happy about? Do they have it simple? Am i the only one suffering? Am i undergoing (dare i say it) self pity?

OMG, if i am then im doomed arent i? I just want a lil freedom. from pain, from responsibilities, from obligations, from promises i made.

i wanna let it all go for a change. Even if for a day. I wanna forget.

Its so dark in here and i can feel the phantoms closing in. Another illusion i guess. Not to pay much attention to all that son. U’ll pull through.

I hate punching the bag…it just won’t scream. I hate screaming at the walls they just wont scream back.

“giving up on people is easy, tango”

heck it is.  try me…why’d ya give up on me then?

“ur the greatest, man”

why’d ya all go away then?

“ur my bro, man”

bro am i? why’d u never come to the hospital then?

“we’re best pals”

then why dont you feel my pain (this is frm a movie but i cant think of an alternate phrase)

“i love you”

you lied….

“you’re the greatest!”

look at me…just look at me now.

reach into my heart and the blood is black. Theres no oxygen in there. I have a big heart…all empty and drained with no more ability to love peoplethe way i would have wanted to.

im reverting back to the cold.

its taking me slowly…its taking me slowly.

slower than ever but so deadly in its sloth that it hurts way more than it would.

I’m losing control…my hands are shaking i cant even think straight. I’m getting jumpy and all because i made the simple mistake of not taking what i got and going fo what i wanted.

i want back my pride

please

give it back

i want it back

i wanna live again

please

i beg you

i want my life back. I want myself back.

who took me away from me? who?

please, i beg you. give me back my innocence, my stupidity, my genius my respect, my honor, my desires. make me robin again.

Don’t do this to me.

I knelt down and prayed to god today. I thanked him for all he gave and asked him back for all he took away. but its probably not upto him. I wanna make no more sacrifices. though i havn’t made many.

Give me as much pain as you want. But make it swift and give me back all you took away. i’m ready to pay any price. Any price at all.

“sorry son…its too late…it wont come back”

why dad?

“its gone, like the bullet, it leaves the scar and never returns”

isnt there a way to make things better?

“im afraid i dont kno…”

i hate being sad

it makes my face look like a tuna sandwich. But im abso-fuckin-lutely helpless!

i want out. Seriously.i wanna run away to the hills and live like  monk or smthn but i dont want to live this life anymore.

i felt like dying today. Its one of the scariest things i’ve felt. and theres no one in this world to pull me out? Is there no one who can see my suffer without me telling them and asking them for help? or rather pity?

how cud i let this happen to me? u guys are older…u kno this stuff…why is it happening?

why am i losing control?

i was the horse…the blue. i was the stoic,,,i was the ranger. What happened?

why…

its a question i think i need answered most.

or its death thats watching from somewhere….if it is….