Backbeat

For a guy who plays 6 instruments, composes music, writes lyrics, dissects tracks and creates a small audio workstation in his own room of two, my musical life sucks big time.
I want recognition. Not ridicule. I want authority. Not some retarded sense of contribution. I know what i am capable of. That should be good enough. My problem isn’t a hunger for fame or groupies or anything of that sort. My problem is that in order for a performance to be successful i have to give up on ideas and look like the kind of guy who is there just for the sake of being there.
I hate drumming on a keyboard. Its fucking ridiculous. I had to do it on stage today. In front of hundreds of people. It wasn’t a studio, man. I was there…on stage tapping the first six keys of a keyboard and looking like a fool. I hated every bit of that performance.
I was not a band member…i was a fucking accompanist. It sucked so bad.
I am pissed and am craving alcohol. I don’t even know who to shout at. Because, when i come to think of it. Its not anybody’s fault.
Its mine probably because i allowed myself to get into this kind of shit.

I sometimes feel that i shouldn’t have picked up the keyboard as an instrument in the first place. Should have been just drums. Drums are so great. You can take it all out on them.
But i love playing the keys. The sound’s amazing. You know what instrument i do NOT like….its the guitar. Every kind except the bass that is. And unfortunately i own an acoustic and not a bass. I hate not having enough cash. I hate not having all the instruments i want.

I am fucked. Honestly. Lord of the back benches. What a fucking joke.

I was there on stage and looking at the crowd thinking ” I – Hate – every – fucking- one – of – you.” So much for a band.

Fuck….

And i end up being the only guy in college who does the worst thing a musician can do on stage.