I ventured into the past for a while. It was sometimes red. And sometimes blue. Never the same again.
I wonder if its about respect or honor.
I wonder if its about hatred or disgust
I wonder if theres more to that season.
But i can only wonder.

I feel im good. Done a lot. Not done a lot. Wanna do everything there is to do. Music, college, sports, friends, parents. So much
But with every step i take to make myself a slightly greater man, in the back of my head i wonder…will this compensate for the fool i was?
Will i be more respected. I end up bragging.” Oh u stupid attention seeking sad excuse for a boy.
we are through. Ur words mean nothing now. Ur existence means nothing now. Ur worthless” If not in words but in some kind of psychic wave

i wanna know the truth. but i am incredibly scared of confronting it.
Imperial blue. what a joke. And i thought the guys were just pulling my leg

Things that affect you a lot have a way of convincing you that they dont matter. Anger behaves as a vector.

Mistakes i made. Fuck up i did. But i believe with all my heart and soul. given a chance to prove my worth. I would make it work. Just one head start. I wont let the world catch up.

Life’s great in more ways than one. what i lack, mostly i know. I wonder if destinny’s playing its part now. Maybe something are meant to be. Mayb its all a dreamweaver’s web. And someday it will make sense.

Honestly wont pay here. I know that for sure.
But hard work will. I wonder which path i’ll end up taking.
Im done being the psychopath.

It was fierce love. Fueled by fear, strengthened by will.

The cold winds howled. The windowpanes froze
And she wouldn’t let anyone near him while he slept…

There’s a lady in white
A shooting star in the night
Singing and dancing her
Way into my heart

There’s a fire burning bright
On a midwinter night
Bewitching and blinding
My soul right from the start

Your song once released
The sudden spring
Like a falling rain
I was under your spell
And time just slipped away

You took my hand
And you spoke to me
I was healed again
By those whispered promises
I was led astray

Well i spoke my mind
It was anger and hate
But you calmed me down
Years went by and i never got away

Now i’m trapped inside
Your magic world
It’s much too late
For a moment of love
It’s the price i have to pay

Where dark shadows rise
In the forest of ice

There’s a lady in white
A shooting star in the night
Singing and dancing her
Way into my heart

There’s a fire burning bright
On a midwinter night
Bewitching and blinding
My soul right from the start

“i’d love the scoop so pass it on”

“ahan ahan”

“still 19?”

it all pisses me off….really.

am i right to get angry?

maybe i really am the angry young man.

or maybe i should become like Goerge mallory and take every chance i can to get what i believe is right.

“”"only time will tell”"”

For the past few days, i dont really know whats affecting me so bad. It maybe the terms of the bet. Withdrawals?
don’t think so
Dark thoughts are a manifestation of what exactly?
People have been making there own theories on my case these days. Mayb its time for another rash decision and do something SO stupid that the past shit is forgotten and im let off with a small scene.
Or maybe, just maybe its time to take things a lot more seriously than i would otherwise, considering the fact that i dont really have much to stay for here.
College life seems to have a VERY complex and adverse effect on a lot of things i hold high in myself.
If being lost is what they call me, i should tell em all to fuck off.
Its a mad world. Everyones out to get you. Why is it necessary to take out the best to be the best? Why can’t one shine and have recognition without resorting to dirty psyco games.
I wont do it. or maybe im trying to convince myself of the fact that i CAN but wont whereas the truth probably is that i cant. I dont have what it takes. I dont have the support.. could have had it when it was available. But maybe its the way things are meant to be. maybe i was meant to suffer self image problems.

Isnt there a time in a man’s life when he attains a rather stable personality without having to constantly think of what to change? where happiness is expecting less or nothing and life seems prettier with the days.?
I guess not. Because im tired of waiting. Im tired of seraching for solutions. Im tired of pretending to be happy while feeling evil and dark inside. I dont wanna hurt anyone. Or do i?
I dont wanna do things i say are wrong. I dont wanna lose myself in this battle for pretentious satisfaction and lies.
what i want is to be left the way i am.
I dont hurt anyone. why am i being targeted then? Is there nothing in me that can be held in high esteem?

I can claim that im better than a LOT of people i know. But why is it so hard t convince myself?
Or am i really trying to convince others?
life goes full circle? fuck whoever said that.
Life’s a web. and we’re reaching the dead center. There are plenty of ways to get to it and they all are the same really. With the same grand ‘the end’.
Theres no compensation. Theres no reward. Theres just a world of your own. ashell you crate to block out all that upsets you. And im trying to build one for myself.
Im not interested in ruling the world. Im not interested in being the god or king of anything at all.
For once in my life i just want to be known as the guy who’s in college, does his music, loves his parents, takes care of his friends and lives a VERY simple life.

im sick of being blamed for stuff i didnt do. Im sick of being picked at for no reason. I’m sick of being associated with the lame females in the class. Im sick of being chewed at for nothing. IM done
im tired of being mad
Its this implosive anger that scares me. For if the darkness comes out again. Whats gonna happen?
day before yesterday’s fight left more than a bruised knee. It left a question in my head.
Is this what im meant to do? Is this what i’ll tell people as what i do in college?
The thrashing felt SO good. The pain redeemed and anger let out in fury such as i have not seen myself in.
the world’s full of retards i admit. and im not a retard. Im a rather sensible person.
My sense of humor not being accepted isnt a problem either. I just wanna find people who’re in sync with it. Not avialable?
fine no humor

so no humor, no happiness, no love and affection, no respect. being reduced to this i need to turn into the “dream weaver” maybe.
Or maybe i’ll just die.
fuck the world and everything in it. honestly.

its true.
the bitch in the streets means nothing.
the sweet ride means nothing.
the life and times of a defeated monk. that means something. A duel where the law of karna ditches you. And shishios principles take control. Sadness prolifrerates and the war has casualties.
it takes a huge toll.

worth living for?

10,000 bucks
2499 kilometers
Crappy small talk
the Rs.9000 bet
The chills at Edge
And all the alcohol.
Trips, fights and random acts of chull (that i wanna prove something?)
Its been long. still?
Man…i feel like a 5 year old wondering who finished the cake from last night.
And then college. I am VERY confused.
College has a way of complicating things. While building up a social image you have to very careful not to upset people lest they hate you (more than what they already do).

Funny thing is, in all my modesty, i dont give a rat’s ass, still.
Funnily, for all the politics people read about and all the parliamentary drama we witness nothing can beat the likes of what happens in the average college classroom.
Pretending to be immune only gets worse and indifference leads to people percieving you as insane. You dont care still maybe. But then work gets hampered and self sufficiency suffers. to have a better future we compromise on the way we wanna see the world.
Funny?
Yes, sir
very

I have done some really extreme stuff. For really stupid or sometimes rather justified reasons (if i say they’re justified, they ARE justified.)
What you have to realise however is that, the reasons dont seem all that pretty once you look back at how you felt at that time and how stupid it seems right now.

Philosophy can ruin you. Having a set philosophy/ set of principles to follow can be a VERY dangerous. Hypocrisy scares me.
Not because i dont like hypocrites (thats rather obvious…) but because i dont wanna see myself as one.

Me, myself, i , all about me.
Who cares what the world thinks? i’ll be a bakchod for eternity!
a few good friends are better than a dumbass entourage!
But for all the truths i have hated theres one more! the dumbass entourage in question can have a rather ballistic effect on you life.
I hate the DE. Its like a secret society possibly conspiring to bring down any indivisual who prefers to think on a lines parallel to the those of the universe.

As of now, i believe we should live one thing at a time (thing…not day or any other unit of time)

presently, lets just get on with the bet. (along with the daily bullshit we face from college!)

Primarily, we have a big problem. If there is something to prove, which also is a mystery. And if i have to prove myself. then why is it that i wanna do it for some unknown entities. (honest?)
Bhenchod! can i have a smoke please? (oh! i forgot…one butt’s about 9 grand,…GODDAMMIT!)

let me tell you something. Basic human nature was cinformed to force itself to have a severe ADD.
Every loser in the world denies having it. but even if they dont know it, half the shit they do is to gain attention.

In my case, no matter how much indifference i display, a part of me extends to achieve stuff to get myself recognised and in the process posing myself as a freakin’ hypocrite.
Either way i suffer deep losses and end up being insecure about my personality…or whatever im trying to say here.

One things is this bet. Its killing me
But i think i need to prove a few points here.
Incase i do, theres glory beyond what i’ve had.

peace,,,,

I need adventure. I always need adventure.
Get out. Do loadsa crazy shit. Pump up loadsa adrenaline. Do adventure. Im addicted to it.
I need to keep things spiced up. I need to take cases. I need to be insane.
I thrive on the out of the ordinary.
I survive on bakchodi.
Its probably a very bad psycological disorder.
And its causing my social life to deteriorate like uranium with a half life of 2 seconds.
I dont give a fuck about the whole social image thing, though.
I dont speak to three quarters of the class anyway… and the good thing is they dont care either.
I have a way of life that is not supported. Like im a mac program and we live in the windows world. (bad analogy?)
I do my own thing.
I have been labled as a misfit. well fuck the world then. I’ll do whatever i have to….whatever makes me happy. whatever keeps me excited. Whatever keeps me insane.
Coz i think sanity and being a fuckin nice guy’s a waste of life. routines will just kill me. And the ordinary will frustrate me into killing myself.

One. i passed
Two. i had no idea it was gonna be this awesome…64%
wooohoo!!!!
Vacations going great. Bought an accoustic guitar. Its black and SO beautiful!

I still dont feel like im 19 though…

however, its like im on a cross country trip…manipal…hyderabad…delhi…calcutta…ahemedabad
wow!
The heats pissing me off, but im still chillin…
I’ve had the guitar for a week and i can already play some bar chords!
its been 11 days and i’ve downed some 2 litres of whiskey already! not that im proud of it…but it feels so bloody awesome!
2nd year’s sort of scaring me. Lets see what happens. I just dont wanna get bored. Which reminds me of what i will be writing for my next post…ciAo…