and i hope i stick to it. Anyway…..
more later. Got exams in a couple of days.
peace! \ /

i. need. rehab.

unfortunately , it is not an option.

add to that my psychological breakdown and suicidal thoughts.

i need restraint and cover.

but the only man who can give me that is himself running through miserable times.

andd my father’s compensatory behaviour is pissing me off, really…

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I. AM. FUCKED

I sometimes feel that i shouldn’t have picked up the keyboard as an instrument in the first place. Should have been just drums. Drums are so great. You can take it all out on them.
But i love playing the keys. The sound’s amazing. You know what instrument i do NOT like….its the guitar. Every kind except the bass that is. And unfortunately i own an acoustic and not a bass. I hate not having enough cash. I hate not having all the instruments i want.

I am fucked. Honestly. Lord of the back benches. What a fucking joke.

I was there on stage and looking at the crowd thinking ” I – Hate – every – fucking- one – of – you.” So much for a band.

Fuck….

And i end up being the only guy in college who does the worst thing a musician can do on stage.

I am pissed. This is not what i used to be. I had presence of mind, common sense, a good physiology and a decent brain. an eccentric mind. Not a calm one. I had dreams and ambition and now i am a frustrated guy in his final year wondering if i’ll get my clinical cases signed tomorrow. This college, this lifestyle all of it is killing me. I need a break. Not a vacation. A break. I need to be able to be doing something else. I’ll be glad when the Perio posting is over man.
And then i lose my phone and I’m not affected by it. How come? I should have made it a priority to get the SP’s to trace my phone through the police. I should have used pressure. I could have done a lot and i did nothing. I just bunked the next day and was chilling like an idiot.
There are things going on. Exams are coming and I’m wasting my time drinking and watching TV shows.
I am depending on other people for things. It is so pathetic. I feel so pathetic man. Useless. I thought i was so much more and then this place is trying to convince me otherwise.
Man….let final year be over. In eight months all this bullcrap will be over. I’ll be an intern and i’ll be studying for myself. And i’ll be working to make MYSELF a better professional. Not to keep some bitch of a professor happy.

What do i need to do? Its kind of simple really. Changes don’t happen overnight. So we might take time to change the way things are going.
But initiative has to be taken.
Firstly. I need to stop thinking. I need to shut my brain for a while. Relax the mind.
once that is done. We can move forward. Lets see how this works out.

cheers
Mustang

it pains me to see the patients who approach the clinics with expectation and have them unfulfilled.

It is retarded.
Why are we bothering to treat the not required and ignoring the needy.
I did not join the health sciences with this in mind. I thought i would be useful but in all honesty i have never felt so useless. Maybe the books will help. Because they are as unbiased as you can hope a source of information to be. But then…is it possible to assimilate and apply all that?
Its not me who’s asking. Its what’s being asked of me.

I hate them. They are NOT professors. They are a bunch of wildly sadistic animals. They expect me to know their subjects the way they do. They do not understand the concept of cutting someone some slack.
They enjoy making me miserable. They derive some sort of sick pleasure watching me all messed up.
I swear to god. If this continues, i’ll snap. Then they’d better watch out for college day. Coz that day…im going to speak my mind out loud to them. They shall be sorry. Very sorry for the way i have been treated by them.
Today i was told off like mad in front of a patient. It was an honest mistake that i did. But i was careful enough not to cause the patient any discomfort. No harm done at all. One 5 minute job was left which i wanted confirmed from a professor. I did not know the finding very well coz im a fuckin undergraduate who does NOT have much experience because i AM a fucking undergraduate. I did not come to this place with an MDS degree before hand and im not that great a student that i’ll know all that there is to know.
I know what i am doing rather well but not well enough to see everything the way a senior staff member does.
So why the shouting? Some sort of manifestation of an underlying frustration? or that of a superiority complex that can not be eliminated by the conscience?
Why can’t professors show a little compassion for their students. why do they want us to get used to a foolishly miserable routine which not only wastes our time and energy but also keeps us on the edge for so long that falling down doesn’t matter anymore.
I do not want to be baby’ed at all. But i need to know that the person teaching me my livelihood is not a complete retard who doesn’t know how to deal with a student..
I want to learn but these three make it look like i cannot anymore.

So. on college day when im gonna graduate wit a good score…im going to tell them how they made my life miserable. I ‘ll actually ask them. If my parents are present, i’ll ask them how they’d feel if someone did this to their children in college. I’ll make sure they know…that if i ever come into power such that they are answerable to me. I shall not let them have a second of peace. And thats a promise.

“Actions have consequences, moses”- they said.

mine do to. And im not really interested in facing them.
I want to construct finer consequences. Get what i mean?

Both being inter-related, i have come to the conclusion that the concept is not impossible to live. All its going to take (all being a very subjective term) is work.
If i am the best damn max-fac surgeon in one the prime institutions of this country where my surgical opinion is valued more than my social opinion (or anti-social opinion) then my life’s probelems will be solved. I will not have to show decency to people who do not deserve it. I will not have to show mercy to people who doint deserve it. I can be nice when i want and i can be a total jerk when i want. I can live the life of the perfect human beings doing all the things i like without giving a damn to what the world thinks of me. Without the fear of actions taken against me.
Power….yep. That’s the word. that’s what is going to change my life to being better.
Sum that up with currency and life will be smoother than a bottle of JD.
The only question that troubles me : will i be able to accomplish it?
“I can but can i?” the “have to” level of thinking is almost there. Lets hope it lasts.
cheers.