Withdrawl?

For the past few days, i dont really know whats affecting me so bad. It maybe the terms of the bet. Withdrawals?
don’t think so
Dark thoughts are a manifestation of what exactly?
People have been making there own theories on my case these days. Mayb its time for another rash decision and do something SO stupid that the past shit is forgotten and im let off with a small scene.
Or maybe, just maybe its time to take things a lot more seriously than i would otherwise, considering the fact that i dont really have much to stay for here.
College life seems to have a VERY complex and adverse effect on a lot of things i hold high in myself.
If being lost is what they call me, i should tell em all to fuck off.
Its a mad world. Everyones out to get you. Why is it necessary to take out the best to be the best? Why can’t one shine and have recognition without resorting to dirty psyco games.
I wont do it. or maybe im trying to convince myself of the fact that i CAN but wont whereas the truth probably is that i cant. I dont have what it takes. I dont have the support.. could have had it when it was available. But maybe its the way things are meant to be. maybe i was meant to suffer self image problems.

Isnt there a time in a man’s life when he attains a rather stable personality without having to constantly think of what to change? where happiness is expecting less or nothing and life seems prettier with the days.?
I guess not. Because im tired of waiting. Im tired of seraching for solutions. Im tired of pretending to be happy while feeling evil and dark inside. I dont wanna hurt anyone. Or do i?
I dont wanna do things i say are wrong. I dont wanna lose myself in this battle for pretentious satisfaction and lies.
what i want is to be left the way i am.
I dont hurt anyone. why am i being targeted then? Is there nothing in me that can be held in high esteem?

I can claim that im better than a LOT of people i know. But why is it so hard t convince myself?
Or am i really trying to convince others?
life goes full circle? fuck whoever said that.
Life’s a web. and we’re reaching the dead center. There are plenty of ways to get to it and they all are the same really. With the same grand ‘the end’.
Theres no compensation. Theres no reward. Theres just a world of your own. ashell you crate to block out all that upsets you. And im trying to build one for myself.
Im not interested in ruling the world. Im not interested in being the god or king of anything at all.
For once in my life i just want to be known as the guy who’s in college, does his music, loves his parents, takes care of his friends and lives a VERY simple life.

im sick of being blamed for stuff i didnt do. Im sick of being picked at for no reason. I’m sick of being associated with the lame females in the class. Im sick of being chewed at for nothing. IM done
im tired of being mad
Its this implosive anger that scares me. For if the darkness comes out again. Whats gonna happen?
day before yesterday’s fight left more than a bruised knee. It left a question in my head.
Is this what im meant to do? Is this what i’ll tell people as what i do in college?
The thrashing felt SO good. The pain redeemed and anger let out in fury such as i have not seen myself in.
the world’s full of retards i admit. and im not a retard. Im a rather sensible person.
My sense of humor not being accepted isnt a problem either. I just wanna find people who’re in sync with it. Not avialable?
fine no humor

so no humor, no happiness, no love and affection, no respect. being reduced to this i need to turn into the “dream weaver” maybe.
Or maybe i’ll just die.
fuck the world and everything in it. honestly.