Attainable

In order for us to function properly our bodies and mind demand a certain amount of pleasure. be that alcoholic, psychedelic, musical, dramatic, gustatory….
all in all i write this post off a considerably incomplete high

I like getting into the altered sensorium. More than i’d care to admit, to be honest.
Certainly, there’s more to the avg. retard than a crippled physique and a defeated sense of purpose. Why not make it into the established recreational audacity.
Of such proportions that the mind may not comprehend the full nature of my predicament .
I am glad for the past week. And especially because of the sustained and projected realization….that you can be happy with your crew. Or try and be happy with sad folks for whom joviality is not an option.
May peace be with the world and my companions. For, them chilling is one thing. and recuperating from lack of sustainably sociable happiness, thought of or not, is another.
Its true. I mean it. From the dpths of my mind. I concur that the human race is just as demented as the 20 something man about to graduate. Its juvenile, illogical.
In second year the first page of Robbin’s pathology made me hate the concept of karma more than any other instance.
And all of those realizations which were similar to a point.
i despise the current network
I hate it all
My mornings are plagued by fake hellos and faker smiles. I cant help but be nice to people. And for some reason the cause of it all is simple.
dennerexdude,
rexified,
Upecmustang,
Chopin’s grave

Problem

last night i blacked out again. i dont want to know what i did. For the first time in my life. i am scared.So scared that my hands are shaking as i am writing this post.
Screw it. I am quitting alcohol.
The problem is simple. Once i start i go crazy and the next morning i don’t remember jack shit.
I have said and done things beyond repair and making amends is also not an option. My only solace is that some of my friends are still around me.
I have so much negativity in my head that i can’t even think of a life without alcohol but now its gone way too far. I have fucked it up way too much.
I should have quit a long time ago.
I dont understand one thing. Why do i do the crap that i do when i am drunk. Why?
Whats there in my head that makes me wanna lie and shout and scream and get angry and become retarded and cheap and fucked up?
For the time being i can only place my efforts into quitting. Or i might die one day.
Earlier it was about health, money and time.
Now its about keeping myself sane. i am going mad.
so lets man up and see if i can pull this off.
one step at a time.
Seriously…..alcohol really does have the ability to ruin a life. Never thought i would admit it.
Hopefully its not too late….

Post and Score restoration

Ever since part II started, i have had this distinct feeling that its not going to be as smooth as part I. I scored a rather decent score. Dad was happy but to be honest i don’t think i deserve it.
My obsession with an altered sensorium is catching up rather quickly but there has been some progress.
Recently i have dealt with some of the toughest patients an undergraduate could deal with and i have done rather well. It gives me certain amount of hope, yeah.
My days are currently composed of watching tv shows, movies, playing AOE and drinking. But the one thing tht soothes me out is making music. i have over 10 unfinished projects. Unfinished because after a little bit of working on them i lose track and am unable to ring up more creative notes.
It takes a lot of patience i know, but this has gone too far.
My social life has become a little bit complicated. I am not sure if it stems from my alcoholism or from my need to be detached or my feelings of hatred towards people in general.
I am not even sure if i am a good human being anymore.
I feel like a psychosomatic hypocrite with limited knowledge of how the world works.

Ironic it is since at one point i time i used to pride myself upon knowing what the world is all about. It is disgusting. The way i see it i could not have delivered to myself a more pathetic existence even after a good, hopefully meaningful time i had last month for a couple of weeks.
I went through Bawa’s conceptual thoughts on alcohol and have concluded that the reason for my alcohol addiction is that i am simply not getting what i want.
I feel like this laptop of mine is shrink that gives me a scene away from the daily reality of the normal world into that of powerful mecha’s and smart detectives from tv shows and proud characters from basically meaningless movies.
The simplicity with which i have destroyed my stamina and my mind is remarkable. And the only hope i have is the fact that i have realized it.
I do not want to continue my life as a teenage tragedy wallowing away in self pity but somehow i like it in a twisted sort of a way. It is extremely confusing. Every time i go overboard with whiskey i get misplaced tears in my eyes and my mind tries to compensate for that by reminding me of every wretched scenario i have had to deal with in the past year.
It is, i guess, a necessary experience. But carrying that kind of a burden and trying to deal with this shit is turning out to b harder than i expected. I sometimes feel like i have some sorta serious personality disorder. I can dissect situations in such a way that i can outperform my peers for a limited duration of time. And then there are moments when i miss the most obvious of things.

I am sick of bluffs. they take a jab at my ego every time i come across any of them because my personality compels me to believe in the best of people. Now all my character assessments are shrouded by doubt.
Man….if Sir Ritchie could see my right now he’d probably flunk me in every exam just to prove a point. A point which i do not, however want to think about.
What is the difference between and boy and a man? What level of maturity defines the transition?
These questions are what i seldom thought of but now i feel like i must look into it and let go of my juvenile behavior.
But at the same time i don’t want to let go what i was when i had just turned 20 and decided that i will never let go of my childish waves. You see, a man doesn’t need to be all grown up and mature.
This whole analysis brings me to a rather scary conclusion however. The conclusion is that i have deterministically detached myself from reality.
Yep. I have become obsolete in this world of wolves for whom preying on others sanity is the trick to everyday survival.
I am not interested in a world of communication without meaning. Maybe thats why i hate it. Why can’t there be compassion and selflessness. THoughtfulness and cheerfulness.
I cannot name one person here who is cheerful. THat really is the world. Why isnt anyone happy? Which means that in entirity im not the onlyone at fault!
People waste, they neglect, they surrender to the foolishness of those they feel are superior.
What is wrong with acceptance? Why does there have to be a status quo or rather, a need to be anti status quo.
Its epic bullshit.
Half the people i know are trying to fit in and the other half is rtrying to be unique. The few one tends to miss out are trying to portray their uniqueness and pissing off a lot of people which they pretend not to care about.
Is this even a society? Is this the shit that i am putting up with at the cost of my sanity?
Overnight decisions never work with me. But at least if i think about a resolution a hundred times i might make some improvements in the way i live.
FTW for me never was ‘for the win’, anyway

Stay a while

And I have. Its been 21 years since i was born and i honestly don’t understand the meaning of my existence. Dumb as it may sound to make such a statement, its the truth. looking back i see all the things i have done….acheivements, regrets… And they all seem not so important today. The beauty of it all is perhaps the reason to do more.
My Birthday was awesome.
So many calls, so many friends. All that alcohol and my parents wishes. It was perfection. I missed class the next day coz my body was aching after the birthday kicks.

I think its time i pull my shit together. 21 is not the age to be a college idiot. Not an age to booze around everyday and ride through empty streets showing off stunts to invisible strangers. Its not about chilling the entire year and passing the profs at the end of the year with less than decent scores. Its not about reading shit textbooks with no theoretical knowledge to pass an exam. Its not about playing sappy songs on the guitar. Its not about sleeping all evening in the hostel or playing cricket like halfwits in a basketball court. Its not about changing with the current generation and become ultimately the one thing no one really wants to be. use-fuckin-less….

I am 6 foot tall, fuckin huge, people listen when i talk and at 21 i should be able to do stuff on my own. No more fooling around. Time to get serious. Take care of all that i started and couldn’t finish. Sorry for the delay fellas. The LitSoc, the Ejector paper,the band, the photography, it will all be started again.
I saw 127 hours the other day and it got me thinking. If this guy had enough will to hack off his arm to survive, i think i can atleast sweat a bit.
I might even just leave for some wilderness this sunday and mull things over there while hanging from a tree or something. A little acheivement everyday could always keep one going. A little imbalance a day always gets you adapted. And at 21 you are at the peak of your physical. Make the most of it.

I sometimes like giving myself lectures in my mind. It proves to me that i am still on the brighter side of life.
And now….it will just have a lot more lighting.
cheers!
Mustang..

Mind bloggled

I want to write a lot. I have ideas, opnions and so much to say to the world. I have the words and the voice. What i lack, is timing.
But then, time shall pass and things shall be known. and when the time is right, we can all get out and make all those ideas real. or at least we can try

Discover:

In case most people my age haven’t realized, new ideas and creativity is at their best when exams are closing in. Unfortunately its so severe with me that i have serious doubts about myself passing 2nd year. Anyway.
I have written 2 songs in the past 3 weeks, recorded one video (laila by faridkot cover) and most importantly decided on a small but important plan.

This summer vacation cannot be like the last. I cannot travel around to meet people or anything of that sort. I cannot waste days on random chull.
This vacation will be a period of self discovery. Now before this can be passed as one of my corny posts, i’ll say this. I, prabuddh sen, for a long time have wondered why i feel out of place so often and therefore have decided to journey into the depths of my being. cornier?

you see, i haven’t had the chance to explore my self completely. i don’t know where my strengths lie and what my fears are and why I’m afraid of some things. Its going to be training. Becoming more. firstly I’ll turn the cross dominance into ambidexterity as much as i can. Get back my stamina and train for better reflexes. Work on my brain skills. read a lot of philosophy. Learn more about the world in terms of life after college. Beat myself at whatever it is i can do best. (and i can do a lot…if not for my low levels of expertise i could be a freakin’ ploymath)

the running, the guitar, the books, the papers, the research, the system. everything has to be initiated. And very importantly i have to quit the smokes. its too much.
I have some family obligations too but this vacation is about no one. its purely about me.

I wanna live for me for a while. Just do what i wanna do. No orders. I have never been a conformist and i wont be forced into becoming one. I want my life to be my life. For a year. I want it for my self. no friends. No family. nothing. Just me. I wanna feel exuberant about everything. I wanna feel awesome. i wanna feel like nothing can go wrong. I wanna look at world like it cant do anything to me.
i wanna be in every sense of the word. The Mustang.

Teach Me..

Permanence was inborn
desire was not
aphorism is false
and the most true is a known fake.
the most ambiguous is an unknown truth

if all is frequented then why i fear. If all is known then why i try?

simply thinking when not supposed to. judge me not.

| mindF mustang |

the fool in a tie

push.

A hard days work pays off when u get that sleep. few would agree but adversity has a lot of advantages. Not in the sense that it teaches you something. Simply put, it gives you the balls to face more when it comes.
The other day we were discussing about how people we knew started small in life and grew up to be brilliant people.

I want that.

I want to look back and feel proud when i say…see where i am now.

The world doesnt have place for sentiments such as these. Which is why i feel more and more people are trying to run a rat race which has no winner.

Unfortunately, there isnt a solution.
And fortunately the competition is tough.

I submit to the fact that life will be drsatically unpredictable considering the way im thinking these days. At the some time its that unpredictability that keeps me interested.
else i would have popped a few pills a long time ago.

peace out
mindfucked mustang.

Withdrawl?

For the past few days, i dont really know whats affecting me so bad. It maybe the terms of the bet. Withdrawals?
don’t think so
Dark thoughts are a manifestation of what exactly?
People have been making there own theories on my case these days. Mayb its time for another rash decision and do something SO stupid that the past shit is forgotten and im let off with a small scene.
Or maybe, just maybe its time to take things a lot more seriously than i would otherwise, considering the fact that i dont really have much to stay for here.
College life seems to have a VERY complex and adverse effect on a lot of things i hold high in myself.
If being lost is what they call me, i should tell em all to fuck off.
Its a mad world. Everyones out to get you. Why is it necessary to take out the best to be the best? Why can’t one shine and have recognition without resorting to dirty psyco games.
I wont do it. or maybe im trying to convince myself of the fact that i CAN but wont whereas the truth probably is that i cant. I dont have what it takes. I dont have the support.. could have had it when it was available. But maybe its the way things are meant to be. maybe i was meant to suffer self image problems.

Isnt there a time in a man’s life when he attains a rather stable personality without having to constantly think of what to change? where happiness is expecting less or nothing and life seems prettier with the days.?
I guess not. Because im tired of waiting. Im tired of seraching for solutions. Im tired of pretending to be happy while feeling evil and dark inside. I dont wanna hurt anyone. Or do i?
I dont wanna do things i say are wrong. I dont wanna lose myself in this battle for pretentious satisfaction and lies.
what i want is to be left the way i am.
I dont hurt anyone. why am i being targeted then? Is there nothing in me that can be held in high esteem?

I can claim that im better than a LOT of people i know. But why is it so hard t convince myself?
Or am i really trying to convince others?
life goes full circle? fuck whoever said that.
Life’s a web. and we’re reaching the dead center. There are plenty of ways to get to it and they all are the same really. With the same grand ‘the end’.
Theres no compensation. Theres no reward. Theres just a world of your own. ashell you crate to block out all that upsets you. And im trying to build one for myself.
Im not interested in ruling the world. Im not interested in being the god or king of anything at all.
For once in my life i just want to be known as the guy who’s in college, does his music, loves his parents, takes care of his friends and lives a VERY simple life.

im sick of being blamed for stuff i didnt do. Im sick of being picked at for no reason. I’m sick of being associated with the lame females in the class. Im sick of being chewed at for nothing. IM done
im tired of being mad
Its this implosive anger that scares me. For if the darkness comes out again. Whats gonna happen?
day before yesterday’s fight left more than a bruised knee. It left a question in my head.
Is this what im meant to do? Is this what i’ll tell people as what i do in college?
The thrashing felt SO good. The pain redeemed and anger let out in fury such as i have not seen myself in.
the world’s full of retards i admit. and im not a retard. Im a rather sensible person.
My sense of humor not being accepted isnt a problem either. I just wanna find people who’re in sync with it. Not avialable?
fine no humor

so no humor, no happiness, no love and affection, no respect. being reduced to this i need to turn into the “dream weaver” maybe.
Or maybe i’ll just die.
fuck the world and everything in it. honestly.

Rythms of Age

Looking at kids these days (younger than myself, I mean) I wonder if their life had the same basic structure as ours did. People talk about generation gaps and changing times but the basic framework of how a boy grows up to become a man is usually the same, really. So I’m just wondering if everyone saw life the way I did (though I am sure that I’m very mistaken)

You were born, naked, wet and hungry, when crying is the physical equivalent of breathing. And then, things just get worse.

Babies are hyper. And babies don’t like other babies. And they want the world to go as per their wishes. And then people say children are cute and innocent. Which is very weird because we as legal adults fail to realize this fact at our age and go on thinking about how innocent kids really are.

At the age of 4 you probably hated the guts of every adult in the world. Especially the ones that hung out with your parents. Your favorite pastime was playing in the mud, chasing insects and doing almost everything that you’d advise kids not to do. But I didn’t think much of other kids when I was 4.

I started observing people when I was 12 I guess. That’s the time when you look around yourself.

You’ve just entered middle school, with loads to study, and meeting loads of new people, new teachers, new subjects, the building, the classroom, and of course the sudden change in your opinion about the members of the opposite sex.. From senior most in primary school to junior most in middle school. A rather heart breaking transition but one which promises (you assume) a whole new set of possibilities.

I guess things were simple those days. It was all about good grades, bad grades, teachers who were sane and those insane (because of you and your bunch, I guess). It was all about playing soccer without passing the ball to anyone and hating the kid who managed to score. Let’s face it. Everyone wasn’t God on the field. Same in class too. The math whizz was probably a loser with a serious lack in life! Who needed a perfect score in math?

But those are the years when you develop an insight into judging people. You develop instincts which probably guide you through thick and thin telling you what to do and what not to do. Who’s the good guy and who’s not? You make a set of assumptions and rules for yourself to follow. You develop a routine timed in your head, to be followed as long as you possibly could. For you the important things were getting a good score and making mom dad happy.

So, unfortunately when things are looking great, ‘it’ hits the fan and you enter teenage and your mind starts shrinking at the possibilities. Adolescence becomes a battle, a life or death mission in unchartered waters .

The word ‘teenage’ in my opinion should be bad from usage. Yea..Adolescence too.. In my opinion it’s very much analogous to a spiteful racist remark, the word being used by the modern middle aged parents to give an explanation that’s too rational to describe a new set of things that could go wrong. Very wrong…

Funny thing is, they usually do. You take a shower too often, you are too concerned about the way you look, you want to look awesome and you think anyone who doesn’t look awesome is worthy of nothing but awesome amounts of underestimation in every aspect of a 14 year olds life… except math maybe. Life changes drastically. Your looks change, you start looking around more, absorb things from people you admire and develop a certain amount of sound judgment. Teachers become enemies, women, the bane of your existence and friends more important than parents.

You have denomination systems then. The nerds, the jocks, the class freaks, the free men and the girls (Cute ones). Interestingly, no one has a problem with this system and I bet it’s still there in every class room of every 14 year old in the world.

School is where everything happens. At home you are a totally different person. You start hiding stuff from your parents and you both know that some things needn’t be talked about. You got bullied in school. The big kid wants cash or lunch or just wants to take your case. You somehow finish school come home in a bad mood. You’ve had a rough day and any rational human should understand that. Unfortunately parents at that age don’t seem to be the rational human beings you wanted them to be so you don’t tell them about the bully and shout. ‘Leave me alone’ was the most popular things to say as far as I can remember…

You develop a major enemy now. It’s called ego. Now that you are an “adolescent” you have an image. But along with it comes the pride without substance and you unfortunately blame your rubbish on everyone and everything but yourself. You hate the world when your pride’s broken and all you want to do is get back at all the people who made you feel miserable, even if it means shouting at mom and dad. The word “misunderstanding” rips your neurons out considering the number of times you use it, after having exactly the right effect on exactly the wrong people.

Now this is just a teaser. Enter high school and now you really know that some serious work needs to be done. Everyone including you has an identity crisis. A severe attention deficit disorder and people making the rashest decision doing the most radical things in order to gain popularity. Aah…that’s the word- “popularity”. The hateful ambition of almost every teenager on the planet. Academics mean nothing. Books are an insult to carry or read. Dating is compulsory and following rules and regulations is embarrassing. But I think the friends you make during this time are the ones that stay with you for a life time. At least in my case, the friends I made back in high school still stick by me like anything.

Anyway, nothing can beat the materialism that’s found in high school. Versace, Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren become ego issues rather than brand names. Creativity comes in form of tattoos and accessories and how one manipulates the school uniforms. Around you everything seems queer and your 17 year old sense of manhood takes over your 17 year old sense of intelligence. Heavy jeans, regular workouts, learning to play the guitar or wanting to do all that- everything works up your brains like fireworks. You want to enhance your reputation and feel good about yourself. You want to date the cutest girl in class. Your friends have crossed over and you are the last man alive. And of course, your head stops working when it comes to girls. You meet her and she smells like mist. You on the other hand smell like mud and sweat. You twitch, stammer and pass out too (if you are lucky enough not to throw up) or you just go insane if you found out she knew your name. And unfortunately there IS a certain unexplainable logic to that. You come down to more rudimentary forms of communication post embarrassment over women. It’s just grunts and glares. And if you mess up, “hell hath no fury such as a woman’s scorn”

At this age, if you are lucky enough to find one, you really start picking up things from your role model. It could be your dad, brother, senior- anyone. Mine was a teacher. Taught me plenty I know about life. He treated me like a man. We had a silent recognition for each other. Mutually respecting each other’s position like gentlemen. He believed in me and I came through. But I guess almost everyone had the role model. The kind of person who would always say something very wise. And I’m glad I was under his wing.

Ahem, anyway,

“Peer pressure” is a word often used by parents and counselors for kids who enter college or even in school. But mostly in college. “The evil that men do” eh? You do things you thought you’d never do when you were a kid. Right and wrong have different definitions. You live a life controlled by variables and clauses.

“Why not?”- Two words that separate men from boys, warriors from cowards, dudes from losers. Corruption takes over you just because the people who seem to take that road are attractive in some way. This is when its time you created an identity. But before you do that you look back at all the years you lived. At all the facts you learnt from experiences and people you knew. You feel blessed at the thought that you have had at good so far and your heart fills with wonder about what will come your way now.

At nineteen I wish I was younger. I wish sometimes I could go back in time and relive those wonderful days. But that way a lot of things I learnt over time and all the experience that has taught me stuff and made me more mature, would be lost. My first year in college is close to its end and I have already changed a lot. Change really is a permanent phenomenon. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. And what I gain here, I shall carry with me for life.

“Change is inevitable…except maybe from vending machines” ~ Anonymous