Post and Score restoration

Ever since part II started, i have had this distinct feeling that its not going to be as smooth as part I. I scored a rather decent score. Dad was happy but to be honest i don’t think i deserve it.
My obsession with an altered sensorium is catching up rather quickly but there has been some progress.
Recently i have dealt with some of the toughest patients an undergraduate could deal with and i have done rather well. It gives me certain amount of hope, yeah.
My days are currently composed of watching tv shows, movies, playing AOE and drinking. But the one thing tht soothes me out is making music. i have over 10 unfinished projects. Unfinished because after a little bit of working on them i lose track and am unable to ring up more creative notes.
It takes a lot of patience i know, but this has gone too far.
My social life has become a little bit complicated. I am not sure if it stems from my alcoholism or from my need to be detached or my feelings of hatred towards people in general.
I am not even sure if i am a good human being anymore.
I feel like a psychosomatic hypocrite with limited knowledge of how the world works.

Ironic it is since at one point i time i used to pride myself upon knowing what the world is all about. It is disgusting. The way i see it i could not have delivered to myself a more pathetic existence even after a good, hopefully meaningful time i had last month for a couple of weeks.
I went through Bawa’s conceptual thoughts on alcohol and have concluded that the reason for my alcohol addiction is that i am simply not getting what i want.
I feel like this laptop of mine is shrink that gives me a scene away from the daily reality of the normal world into that of powerful mecha’s and smart detectives from tv shows and proud characters from basically meaningless movies.
The simplicity with which i have destroyed my stamina and my mind is remarkable. And the only hope i have is the fact that i have realized it.
I do not want to continue my life as a teenage tragedy wallowing away in self pity but somehow i like it in a twisted sort of a way. It is extremely confusing. Every time i go overboard with whiskey i get misplaced tears in my eyes and my mind tries to compensate for that by reminding me of every wretched scenario i have had to deal with in the past year.
It is, i guess, a necessary experience. But carrying that kind of a burden and trying to deal with this shit is turning out to b harder than i expected. I sometimes feel like i have some sorta serious personality disorder. I can dissect situations in such a way that i can outperform my peers for a limited duration of time. And then there are moments when i miss the most obvious of things.

I am sick of bluffs. they take a jab at my ego every time i come across any of them because my personality compels me to believe in the best of people. Now all my character assessments are shrouded by doubt.
Man….if Sir Ritchie could see my right now he’d probably flunk me in every exam just to prove a point. A point which i do not, however want to think about.
What is the difference between and boy and a man? What level of maturity defines the transition?
These questions are what i seldom thought of but now i feel like i must look into it and let go of my juvenile behavior.
But at the same time i don’t want to let go what i was when i had just turned 20 and decided that i will never let go of my childish waves. You see, a man doesn’t need to be all grown up and mature.
This whole analysis brings me to a rather scary conclusion however. The conclusion is that i have deterministically detached myself from reality.
Yep. I have become obsolete in this world of wolves for whom preying on others sanity is the trick to everyday survival.
I am not interested in a world of communication without meaning. Maybe thats why i hate it. Why can’t there be compassion and selflessness. THoughtfulness and cheerfulness.
I cannot name one person here who is cheerful. THat really is the world. Why isnt anyone happy? Which means that in entirity im not the onlyone at fault!
People waste, they neglect, they surrender to the foolishness of those they feel are superior.
What is wrong with acceptance? Why does there have to be a status quo or rather, a need to be anti status quo.
Its epic bullshit.
Half the people i know are trying to fit in and the other half is rtrying to be unique. The few one tends to miss out are trying to portray their uniqueness and pissing off a lot of people which they pretend not to care about.
Is this even a society? Is this the shit that i am putting up with at the cost of my sanity?
Overnight decisions never work with me. But at least if i think about a resolution a hundred times i might make some improvements in the way i live.
FTW for me never was ‘for the win’, anyway