get this

finish this bruvva

Two months to aipg and i am not even at 50 % of the desired level of preparation.

this needs to get over with soon

get a pg

move on

change constantly.

Good thing is that now i am a nicer person.

upcmustang all the way then

hahaha.

Lets to this

get me.

Calcutta- you are perfect

One may consider bengalis to be some of the most irritating bunch of people and i agree. But that has nothing to do with the fact the Calcutta is the nicest city in the world.
My trip to calcutta was for the Indian Dental Association Conference where i was presenting and also for Operation Smile which a friend helped me observe for a couple of days.

I have one word for the trip.: Awe-fuckin-epic-mind-blowing-some.

the food man. the food.
I call it the Kolkata cuisine because it is a world encompassing cuisine.
I must have eaten a months worth of food in 5 days.

Plus there was operation smile. We performed procedures on children with cleft lip and cleft palate. Along the observership i even treated, worked and learned to use a lot of new surgical and lab equipment.
The most precious part was dealing with the kids, I never knew i would be able to mange them so well. But i have a younger sister so maybe it was easy for me with all the years i had to endure her torturous tantrums.
One thing though. the time when i had to tell a mother that we can’t fix her baby was the worst moment ever. I almost cried when she sat down in shocking disappointment. all i could do was console her in Bengali assuring her that we will find a solution to the problem and i was perpetually depressed till we did find a solution for her. One she didn’t like but accepted.

The conference was fun too. won 2nd place and got ten grand prize money. no biggie. It was not an original research and i had a lot of help.

But the high point was chilling with Santy. git. Got enough boozemaal for a party of 10 people. Man. We went crazy. Plus, Calcutta in winters is awesome to grab a few drinks and getting stoned.
And then there was the pub hopping evening at park street. We went to 6 different and amazing and famous pubs of park street. Google that shit and you’d know what kind of epicness i am talking about.

Well, 2013 is being rather nice to me and i hope it stays that way.

FAME!

upecmustang

23

i KNEW it. I knew i was gonna feel it when the day came. 23 is not a suitable age for a juvenile-screwed-up-alcohol-loving-stoned-crazy guy like me.
I wanna be 18 again and start over my manhood with a little more flair, a little less stupidity and a lot of accomplishment.
Week after week month after month i have had this crazy thought. What if, in order to be great and successful it was necessary to know how to be weak and pathetic. It takes courage and a lot of stubborn attitude to survive with respect what i survived in the last months of my studying years.
At the same time it takes an extremely immature approach to a problem such as mine to screw things up to the point of no repair.
But…
Repair i did.
I never wanna make mistakes again. Especially the ones that cause trouble for me and my peers.
Haha…’peers’
I don’t even know why i am fucking using that word. Because i have a reasonable explanation in my head to stop trusting people the way i have.
Its funny though.
I should be worried about girls and sex and other shit that my PEERS care about. But i am more concerned with the politics of human emotions. I sometimes think i deserved what i got because i allowed it. Atleast now i have learned that there is always a way around things if you know what i mean.

As a unit of college grads we all have something in common here in MCODS. A perpetual bead of sweat across our brow irrigating the thought fields of our future.

(I should have been a fucking writer. yeah modafucker!)

umm….never mind.

point is…self esteem seems to have a direct co-relation to in how high an esteem people around hold you. (bad writing i know)

I told xyz the same thing the other day. You can get away with not giving a shit when you are young. but as you get older you become more of a slave to social protocols which were established by the generation just before you and will be unique to yours and will change when you are done,. In short, life is never going to go according YOUR plans. Others have plans too and everyone’s gotta be aware

peace out!

Aaaaand we’re doin it again.

So 2013. I love the new year. Because it starts with january its party after party and then my birthday and then some more partying.

But then again all this talk about new year resolutions going around and i don’t want to be left behind!

So lets make resolutions that i KNOW i can keep

firstly- I am not going to live in fear of stupid people anymore. I am done being afraid of how another man/woman’s stupidity can get me into trouble. I am gonna turn 23 and i gotta fucking act like it

secondly- i am never gonna drink in the afternoons. It is stupid. It makes no sense

Thirdly- I am gonna get rid of all the bad karma accumulated over the years and give it back to people. This one’s gonna be hard and will probably take a lot of time. But then baby steps….

Fourthly- Start working on my health. My body needs it and so does my mind.

More are to come but i have to really think about it yeah. Need to keep resolutions i CAN keep. Faith is a wretched concept. So believe in reality and cheer on (for yourselves and me ofcourse!)

 

Mustang

the right notion

with a mensa iq of 138, i feel i am wasting my time with my current peers.

Too bad santi/ib/tiktika/ram/sahir is/are not here. He/she/they would have understood more, relayed more, established more.

It is rather insane. I wish the world was not so narrow minded and juvenile. I wish the world believed in logic the way i do, the way people with a sense of propriety do.

I despise humanity for what it has become. Forget the delhi rape case. This country has worse problems. One of which is lak of interest in the greater good. Lack of a collective conscience.

It is  beyond repair. we need a re-establishment.

More than that….my company needs it.

I have given up on hate. Atleast my condescending attitude may prove to be an effective incentive for  reaching out and understanding the lack of logical thinking that is displayed around here.

I do not want people to always agree with me. All i want is for them to challenge me at a level that i deem worth thinking about.

Wishful thinking eh?

wistful thinking it is, ladies and gentlemen. And i am sorry i couldn’t do shit about it.

Deep Scores and an Aching Brain

I dont get it. I am an intern. Life is supposed to be care free. So what the FUCK went wrong?

was it moving out? was it moving out with shanky? was it the alcohol or the sudden change?

was it the loss of your belongings?

was it the dirth of money? is it your bike? is it a lack of friends? Is it a lack of girlfriends?

fakeness and prowls and creeps and sundowns and all that is horrible and gross for all that is terrible and foolish. The ending is nowhere to be seen

I have forgotten how to be happy. I have forgotten how to correct wrongs. my health is gone and my mind is on its way

Maybe thats why the first couple of years were awesome.. I wasn’t worried about the future.

 

 

Shake the clouds out

So graduate huh?

65 % in final year. Not bad really.

So what now? Do i continue wasting time ? or do i make some changes. New house….new equipment. A change in the surroundings.

Be better, faster, stronger, then?

keep a promise man. Keep it cool.

love the world or at least pretend. play nice. Let it all go no more further. Be careful. There’s plenty to learn. Buy some good books. Save money. Drink less frequently. Eat good food. Smoke occasionally. Build a routine. Work out. Because you might have a shot at AD core.

We need a few principles. Like a few ground rules. I don’t know what they are but i shall find out. Change takes time but its definitely possible. I shall not give up at least thinking about it. I will not be a waste. I shall continue growing. Dr. Sen. Has a nice ring to it. Yeah.

My batch did well on the whole i guess. Plenty of 2nd classes this time. But that’s cool i guess.

Mom is about to resign from her job in a few days. That’s OK too i guess. I do not want her working in a place that crappy where the boss is a senile old man with leadership issues. Good riddance i say. I am sure she’ll find a good position somewhere else. Things are mad as it is in the corporate world.

Change is good. Real good. And it shall be for the better. Time will tell. Because this time, it shall be my ally. There is no room for foolishness. Perfection is the key. And all i need to do is…become a good professional. With adequate presence of mind. And excellent skills and vast knowledge. It doesn’t come cheap. But i don’t mind paying. But it needs to be done.

Garbage 101

I wasted my time in APS. I could have continued the training there but i didnt…

I wasted my time in LMB. I could have been more enterprising and gain more experience, through and through.  But i was afraid.

I wasted my time the last one year when i could have excelled in academics but i didnt.

 

There has always been opportunity and i fucking missed it

Because of the stupidity i learnt at home. Play safe, son. Keep your options open…..blah blah blah. Its a good philosophy if you are capable of working hard because you  need to. Its a bad philosophy when you are capable of working hard only when you WANT to.

Not my parents fault

I should have grown up a long time ago. I should have fought.

I should have made the family understand my maturity and ability to distinguish right from wrong.

I was an idiot. And i have always been told i was intelligent

Bull-fucking-shit

Over estimating one’s genius…hah! Parents can be stubborn. Love can blind them.

Screw it. Its never too late to start. I need to get out

I need to experience all that i missed. And i am not quitting till its all accounted for

peace!

Mustang…

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Filth

Mistakes were made. Accountability is inescapable. Deliverance is an impossibility. Forgiveness was never an option and patience is blind and defeating.
Solutions exist?
Yes. No. Sometimes?
Obstacle courses are undeniably fun aren’t they?
Are you smiling, son?
Or did someone carve it eye to eye?
Is that why you look so ugly?
But you love scars dont you?
Drink up why dont you?
Had enough yet?
Got the stones for it?

Plausible deniability does not apply in our lives. Black and white doesn’t cut it.
There are no rules or protocols. Just do whatever the fuck you want. Be prepared for the consequences.
apple of their eyes? are they fucking blind?
friend and philosopher? are they fucking insane?
Smile, douche, ’cause its all that normal people do.
accept , douche. ’cause its what sad people do

Oh you’re happy, are you? Tell me again how that came to happen?
can’t?
you filthy little liar.

Sad are you? tell me again whats wrong?
can’t?
you lying piece of shit.

Had fun? Had enough?

Sick of being good and kind? or are you sick of being twisted and grotesque?

Homicidal my ass. You couldn’t hurt anybody.
Scared little bitch.

Control yourself. Do not hurt anybody
fuckin’ maniac

Wanna talk about it? no
Want advice? no
Having fun? no

Life will be hard m’boy.
Come out and i’ll show you, motherfucker.

Lie down, man
punch, kick, scratch

Take it easy
.
fuck off.

Wishlist 2012-2013

So final year is about to end in a couple of months and then i become an intern. This time around i have a few things in mind that i want by the time i become an intern. I wish for an eventful booze filled constantly amusing, life changing, disastrously effective 1 year of absolute madness.

I want it all. And i need a few things before i get there.

So here’s the wishlist

an entry level bass guitar: i was supposed to get this a long time ago but living in the hostel in a room with excess furniture(courtesy my juvenile roommate) its impossible to set up a separate station after my keyboard. So anyway, once i get the apartment i am going to get one for sure.

A USB sound card. Now this is absolutely necessary. To record good vocals. Especially with the projects i have in mind and the collaboration with other local artists that i am looking forward to. We’ll work on some good stuff after September. Big plans i know, but they’re gonna come through (at least most will)

A good apartment. I want a single BHK apartment. No disturbance. I like being alone. Really, i do. Especially since most of my current hostel company is fubar’d. Too bad i guess.

Some good clothes for college. I wanna work with as much professionalism as i can muster this year. So no more dragging wrinkled, faded shirts or frayed trousers and dull lab-coats. I am going prime on this one.

A new phone. Preferably one of those xperia phones. They are powerful entertainment on the go systems for me and i wanna be occupied in clinics because having a conversation to pass time in clinics is similar to consuming large amounts of tang on a dry day. FUCK its annoying. Its like discussing stuff nobody gives a fuck about. At 22, listening to retarded jokes and muck about the women in my batch, is sad. I am not gonna be party to anything foolish. Stupid conversations piss me off. They are not remotely funny and they prove that people i hang out with are really just asswipes. SO a good phone’s gonna keep me occupied.

The golf half-set. Either i am going to get my father’s set or maybe i’ll buy a new one. Need a new hobby. Plus i think having paid for the establishment of Marena i should utilize the facility to some extent at least.

Custom-made vintage shades. Tear drops, baby. They are possibly the coolest piece of eyewear. SO simple and yet they feel awesome! My old pair broke but i still have the lenses so lets what we can do about it. And a new watch. This time i am going to get myself a good analog watch by casio. Or maybe a g-shock. I always loved those! Miss my old one man. It was the awesomest thing i ever owned.!

A new suit. Black. good fabric, light and this time i’ll spend some serious cash on it. The previous two were good but were made in a hurry. This one will be great. And I’m gonna wear it on college day!

Books! I know i am not gonna study that much but i’d still like a shot at trying. So some books for the MDS entrances are in order. Specifications can always be taken from seniors. I’ll ask Tejo or shree for it.

A bean bag. MAN i have wanted one since first year. It is SO comfortable and i can lie on it all day getting high or watching movies, pretty much doing whatever the fuck i want.

Altec Lansing speakers. This is a must have. Especially with the requirement of some good sound equipment. Not to mention the provisions for a good party (and yea..there will be partying. Lots of it.

I may not be able to get it all but i’ll try my best to live the last year of college the way i have envisioned it. Hopefully things will be awesome. Actually no matter what happens they’ll be awesome. So peace and cheers!

Mustang out.

The Deletrious movement

Over and above the usual expectations of a sound lifestyle, we have found another which is just as efficient and definitely less boring.
Up till now, i was under the impression that part II is about working at your hardest. What it however has become, is, working at your smartest. Its what everyone already knows i am sure but putting it this way on my page makes me believe it even more.
Besides, its not just about the subjects is it?
Its everything….the handwork, the experience, professionalism.
Its still a bunch of crap to be honest as far as the real world is concerned but some how i feel that it will be helpful in the near future..
And when the time comes for all that we learned to be useful. I am sure it will the most smoothest of times.
For now, we wait for a few more months.
After that i probably drink myself to death.
peace!!

Attainable

In order for us to function properly our bodies and mind demand a certain amount of pleasure. be that alcoholic, psychedelic, musical, dramatic, gustatory….
all in all i write this post off a considerably incomplete high

I like getting into the altered sensorium. More than i’d care to admit, to be honest.
Certainly, there’s more to the avg. retard than a crippled physique and a defeated sense of purpose. Why not make it into the established recreational audacity.
Of such proportions that the mind may not comprehend the full nature of my predicament .
I am glad for the past week. And especially because of the sustained and projected realization….that you can be happy with your crew. Or try and be happy with sad folks for whom joviality is not an option.
May peace be with the world and my companions. For, them chilling is one thing. and recuperating from lack of sustainably sociable happiness, thought of or not, is another.
Its true. I mean it. From the dpths of my mind. I concur that the human race is just as demented as the 20 something man about to graduate. Its juvenile, illogical.
In second year the first page of Robbin’s pathology made me hate the concept of karma more than any other instance.
And all of those realizations which were similar to a point.
i despise the current network
I hate it all
My mornings are plagued by fake hellos and faker smiles. I cant help but be nice to people. And for some reason the cause of it all is simple.
dennerexdude,
rexified,
Upecmustang,
Chopin’s grave

Aw screw it.

Seriously…this past one month of trying to avoid booze is getting me into more and more trouble.
So fuck it. I am drinking the way i do.
I like drinking
Thats it
me not drinking makes little sense and has made me feel like an idiot. So when i drink again i try and drink more and shit hits the fan.
So we’re screwing the non sense. I am drinking
o yea….the next time mom sends cash. its gonna be a nice bottle of signature whiskey and i am gonna drink it all up with my buddies. Thats that.
peace and in hope,..
Mustang

ps. cheers!

let me go

and all i ever wanted was to see me soulfull.
and it aint happening. There’s no one to protect me anymore. No One to save me no more.
am i all alone?
I need answers. unbiased ones.
I am not an idiot. i am not a fool. I am what i am. A fortifier. and if anyone’s got a problem, screw ’em. But i wish i had the friends. The ones to look upto. yet to find a definite inspiration…………………….

Problem

last night i blacked out again. i dont want to know what i did. For the first time in my life. i am scared.So scared that my hands are shaking as i am writing this post.
Screw it. I am quitting alcohol.
The problem is simple. Once i start i go crazy and the next morning i don’t remember jack shit.
I have said and done things beyond repair and making amends is also not an option. My only solace is that some of my friends are still around me.
I have so much negativity in my head that i can’t even think of a life without alcohol but now its gone way too far. I have fucked it up way too much.
I should have quit a long time ago.
I dont understand one thing. Why do i do the crap that i do when i am drunk. Why?
Whats there in my head that makes me wanna lie and shout and scream and get angry and become retarded and cheap and fucked up?
For the time being i can only place my efforts into quitting. Or i might die one day.
Earlier it was about health, money and time.
Now its about keeping myself sane. i am going mad.
so lets man up and see if i can pull this off.
one step at a time.
Seriously…..alcohol really does have the ability to ruin a life. Never thought i would admit it.
Hopefully its not too late….

Post and Score restoration

Ever since part II started, i have had this distinct feeling that its not going to be as smooth as part I. I scored a rather decent score. Dad was happy but to be honest i don’t think i deserve it.
My obsession with an altered sensorium is catching up rather quickly but there has been some progress.
Recently i have dealt with some of the toughest patients an undergraduate could deal with and i have done rather well. It gives me certain amount of hope, yeah.
My days are currently composed of watching tv shows, movies, playing AOE and drinking. But the one thing tht soothes me out is making music. i have over 10 unfinished projects. Unfinished because after a little bit of working on them i lose track and am unable to ring up more creative notes.
It takes a lot of patience i know, but this has gone too far.
My social life has become a little bit complicated. I am not sure if it stems from my alcoholism or from my need to be detached or my feelings of hatred towards people in general.
I am not even sure if i am a good human being anymore.
I feel like a psychosomatic hypocrite with limited knowledge of how the world works.

Ironic it is since at one point i time i used to pride myself upon knowing what the world is all about. It is disgusting. The way i see it i could not have delivered to myself a more pathetic existence even after a good, hopefully meaningful time i had last month for a couple of weeks.
I went through Bawa’s conceptual thoughts on alcohol and have concluded that the reason for my alcohol addiction is that i am simply not getting what i want.
I feel like this laptop of mine is shrink that gives me a scene away from the daily reality of the normal world into that of powerful mecha’s and smart detectives from tv shows and proud characters from basically meaningless movies.
The simplicity with which i have destroyed my stamina and my mind is remarkable. And the only hope i have is the fact that i have realized it.
I do not want to continue my life as a teenage tragedy wallowing away in self pity but somehow i like it in a twisted sort of a way. It is extremely confusing. Every time i go overboard with whiskey i get misplaced tears in my eyes and my mind tries to compensate for that by reminding me of every wretched scenario i have had to deal with in the past year.
It is, i guess, a necessary experience. But carrying that kind of a burden and trying to deal with this shit is turning out to b harder than i expected. I sometimes feel like i have some sorta serious personality disorder. I can dissect situations in such a way that i can outperform my peers for a limited duration of time. And then there are moments when i miss the most obvious of things.

I am sick of bluffs. they take a jab at my ego every time i come across any of them because my personality compels me to believe in the best of people. Now all my character assessments are shrouded by doubt.
Man….if Sir Ritchie could see my right now he’d probably flunk me in every exam just to prove a point. A point which i do not, however want to think about.
What is the difference between and boy and a man? What level of maturity defines the transition?
These questions are what i seldom thought of but now i feel like i must look into it and let go of my juvenile behavior.
But at the same time i don’t want to let go what i was when i had just turned 20 and decided that i will never let go of my childish waves. You see, a man doesn’t need to be all grown up and mature.
This whole analysis brings me to a rather scary conclusion however. The conclusion is that i have deterministically detached myself from reality.
Yep. I have become obsolete in this world of wolves for whom preying on others sanity is the trick to everyday survival.
I am not interested in a world of communication without meaning. Maybe thats why i hate it. Why can’t there be compassion and selflessness. THoughtfulness and cheerfulness.
I cannot name one person here who is cheerful. THat really is the world. Why isnt anyone happy? Which means that in entirity im not the onlyone at fault!
People waste, they neglect, they surrender to the foolishness of those they feel are superior.
What is wrong with acceptance? Why does there have to be a status quo or rather, a need to be anti status quo.
Its epic bullshit.
Half the people i know are trying to fit in and the other half is rtrying to be unique. The few one tends to miss out are trying to portray their uniqueness and pissing off a lot of people which they pretend not to care about.
Is this even a society? Is this the shit that i am putting up with at the cost of my sanity?
Overnight decisions never work with me. But at least if i think about a resolution a hundred times i might make some improvements in the way i live.
FTW for me never was ‘for the win’, anyway

ok….resolution time

After last nights and this morning’s stupidity and retarded circumstances that involved a certain Mr. Commode i have come to realize that silent resolve is worthless. Hence we place it in this blog.
I shall not drink unnecessarily.
I shall not drink unnecessarily.
I shall not drink unnecessarily.

and i hope i stick to it. Anyway…..
more later. Got exams in a couple of days.
peace! \ /

truth and recuperation

i. am. an. alcoholic

i. need. rehab.

unfortunately , it is not an option.

add to that my psychological breakdown and suicidal thoughts.

i need restraint and cover.

but the only man who can give me that is himself running through miserable times.

andd my father’s compensatory behaviour is pissing me off, really…

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I. AM. FUCKED