Problem

last night i blacked out again. i dont want to know what i did. For the first time in my life. i am scared.So scared that my hands are shaking as i am writing this post.
Screw it. I am quitting alcohol.
The problem is simple. Once i start i go crazy and the next morning i don’t remember jack shit.
I have said and done things beyond repair and making amends is also not an option. My only solace is that some of my friends are still around me.
I have so much negativity in my head that i can’t even think of a life without alcohol but now its gone way too far. I have fucked it up way too much.
I should have quit a long time ago.
I dont understand one thing. Why do i do the crap that i do when i am drunk. Why?
Whats there in my head that makes me wanna lie and shout and scream and get angry and become retarded and cheap and fucked up?
For the time being i can only place my efforts into quitting. Or i might die one day.
Earlier it was about health, money and time.
Now its about keeping myself sane. i am going mad.
so lets man up and see if i can pull this off.
one step at a time.
Seriously…..alcohol really does have the ability to ruin a life. Never thought i would admit it.
Hopefully its not too late….